In which I indulge my paranoia
Aug. 19th, 2004 02:57 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hippybngstockngI was really having a great time looking at that anonymous meme, beyond how uncomfortable it was making me. ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-syndicated.gif)
quinnclub's response to a few of them inspired me to respond to the ones I thought might be me as well. It doesn't matter if it really wasn't about me, because obviously humanity has enough common ground that MUCH of it speaks to me. It's my own conscience about what people might think of me that's talking in that case, and that compels me to answer...
So here goes some stuff-
My responses to some things from![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
tafkar's replies to the meme:
1. Grow up.
You first! :)
2. Quit wasting all your time and energy whining and fucking doing something about it.
I do that too sometimes, I just move very very slow...
3. Decide right now whether you want to suck as badly as your mother -- or not.
Sometimes sucking as bad as my mother is automatic, and when I catch myself doing it I am so upset with myself that I instead turn into the worst version of myself. I of course try to avoid being my mother at ever turn to prevent this. Another long process I can't promise I'll pull off in my lifetime, but I am aware of it, and I am a big fan of apologizing, something my mother absolutely ROTS at. So I won't be sucking AS bad, but it doesn't mean I won't suck in my own special way...
4. Lots of people out there have your exact same problems but are living fulfilling lives anyway.
Yes, I know, that's why I haven't given up and decided to become a babbling booze sucking couch ornament, thanks!
5. The only thing "wrong" with you is your lack of confidence about how cool you are.
hehe... While I hope this one is me, and I've had people say this to me before, and yeah, I know... It's BELIEVING it that's tricky. It's always my first impulse to focus on how I suck.
6. That nagging feeling and extreme unhappiness? That's your subconscious trying to get you to listen to what you've already decided
Yeah, but I'm really scared.
7. You'd have better willpower if you exercised it once in a while.
This implies I ever had it in the first place- If you ask my mother, she's say I don't have any... Ask anyone who's known me for a LOOOOOOONG time about my willpower and impulse control, and they will tell you it's only through dumb luck and the kindness of strangers, and maybe a tiny bit of logic and intelligence that I have to thank for being alive today. I've started to become convinced you really do have to be born with it, because I don't think I have any, and I keep trying to learn and failing.
8. A year and a half is enough, please -- don't you think it's about time?
Yup, it's not just my problem though...
9. (probably not directed at me specifically, but sure could be) Procrastinating is just costing you money and braincells. Quit it already.
I know, Mom... *sigh* if you'd just get off my back... yeah sure... that's it.... no wait, I remember, IT'S FEAR! and yes, I should quit it, it's very stupid.
10. Are you sure you're good for each other?
In the day to day relationship sense, yes, always. In the "can we keep a household and keep from running ourselves into the ground financially and ruining our child's future" sense, well, time will tell... Everyone can learn, hopefully we can too, otherwise yes, we're a big train wreck, but I think even then we'd still love each other even if it's a bad idea.
11. (again, another I hope is me) You're one of the smartest people I know and still so hard on yourself. What would it take for you to feel better?
I wish I knew. I always think I know, and it never quite works. I don't think I actually know how "better" would feel, that might be part of the problem, about the best I can do is "manic" sometimes..
12. We used to spend some fun time together, but haven't in a long time. Did I become too uncool for you?
Maybe, that'd require you identifying yourself ;) and likely you didn't become uncool, I just figured out you were NEVER cool, I just thought you were.
13. I love you so much, but I hate that you never try to improve yourself, your home, or your life.
I kind of am... See #2 It's also a self loathing thing- I get into a "what's the point" pattern that's hard to get out of. Another dumb thing, I know.
And now we'll move on to some of the things in my version that could still be me, though no one specified.
14. you're an asshole.
Sometimes definitely yes!
15. (another I WISH was me!) (could be TMI for some) your husband kissed me on the mouth once, inciting an irrational attraction and years of fantasy... most of them involving both of you.
So CONFESS for real already, maybe we are attracted to you too! We're not really swingers or poly, but we have been known to occasionally get a little extra friendly with some people who we think won't turn into possessed pea soup spitting drama freaks about it... On the same count, if you're a pea soup spitting drama freak, please feel free to keep it to yourself. We will probably tell you politely that we're not interested anyway if we know you are one. And no, we won't avoid you if we turn you down. We're grownups :) we understand fantasies and crushes, and that they also go away.
16. (I responded personally to this, but will again here for posterity) & to the person who keeps suggesting that we do things & then cancelling @ the last minute: Next time, the answer is "How about never? Is never good for you?"
Yes, I am a piece of shit. My personal schedule keeping abilities are alarming and sad. I go through waves of being organized and other waves where I'm just not. It's nothing personal, I probably feel really really bad about it, and have been apologizing. I'm sorry if my apologies start to sound old after a while, I'm sure they would if I were anyone but me. Sometimes I feel like I should just stop everything and get my life under control before speaking to another living soul again, but then I worry I'd never leave the house.
And for laughs I will give a short sampling of the ones that could have been written by me, about myself, but weren't:
1. I know I'm in a fucked up place because I feel like so many of these comments are directed at me.
2. I spun down into the deepest depression of my life last year because I felt I couldn't measure up to my current lover's standards, and felt worthless to everyone else.
This is not true in my current situation, but my last relationship before Crash closely resembles this comment
3. I believe in, trust in, and love God.
and I don't expect anyone else to do the same
4. During my depressive jags, I prove that I'm the biggest loser in the world by letting dirty laundry, dishes, and mail pile up until my place looks like a landfill.
YEP
5. I'm a big ol' chickenshit. I get a serious flirt on with a total hottie, or I get a lead on an exciting job, & I choke. Every time! & it's f*cking up my life!
a little less so since I am married, but YEP
6. I'm a bad parent: I play favorites. I try not to, but I'm afraid that they can tell.
8. I'm a worse kid. In my defense, the parent I should be calling is certifiable. I'm much happier when I don't have to think about them.
not declared certifiable, but that's only because she hasn't lost it in front of the right people yet
9. To all of the friends I've "gone missing" on: I'm really, really sorry. When I get depressed, I start to think that you all must loath me & then set about trying to make it happen by being totally unreliable. I'm trying to change, but it's hard!
I'll also be posting something innabit I've been threatening to post here and there for a while. Self examination stuff with coincidental relevance to this same meme...
quinnclub's response to a few of them inspired me to respond to the ones I thought might be me as well. It doesn't matter if it really wasn't about me, because obviously humanity has enough common ground that MUCH of it speaks to me. It's my own conscience about what people might think of me that's talking in that case, and that compels me to answer...So here goes some stuff-
My responses to some things from
tafkar's replies to the meme:1. Grow up.
You first! :)
2. Quit wasting all your time and energy whining and fucking doing something about it.
I do that too sometimes, I just move very very slow...
3. Decide right now whether you want to suck as badly as your mother -- or not.
Sometimes sucking as bad as my mother is automatic, and when I catch myself doing it I am so upset with myself that I instead turn into the worst version of myself. I of course try to avoid being my mother at ever turn to prevent this. Another long process I can't promise I'll pull off in my lifetime, but I am aware of it, and I am a big fan of apologizing, something my mother absolutely ROTS at. So I won't be sucking AS bad, but it doesn't mean I won't suck in my own special way...
4. Lots of people out there have your exact same problems but are living fulfilling lives anyway.
Yes, I know, that's why I haven't given up and decided to become a babbling booze sucking couch ornament, thanks!
5. The only thing "wrong" with you is your lack of confidence about how cool you are.
hehe... While I hope this one is me, and I've had people say this to me before, and yeah, I know... It's BELIEVING it that's tricky. It's always my first impulse to focus on how I suck.
6. That nagging feeling and extreme unhappiness? That's your subconscious trying to get you to listen to what you've already decided
Yeah, but I'm really scared.
7. You'd have better willpower if you exercised it once in a while.
This implies I ever had it in the first place- If you ask my mother, she's say I don't have any... Ask anyone who's known me for a LOOOOOOONG time about my willpower and impulse control, and they will tell you it's only through dumb luck and the kindness of strangers, and maybe a tiny bit of logic and intelligence that I have to thank for being alive today. I've started to become convinced you really do have to be born with it, because I don't think I have any, and I keep trying to learn and failing.
8. A year and a half is enough, please -- don't you think it's about time?
Yup, it's not just my problem though...
9. (probably not directed at me specifically, but sure could be) Procrastinating is just costing you money and braincells. Quit it already.
I know, Mom... *sigh* if you'd just get off my back... yeah sure... that's it.... no wait, I remember, IT'S FEAR! and yes, I should quit it, it's very stupid.
10. Are you sure you're good for each other?
In the day to day relationship sense, yes, always. In the "can we keep a household and keep from running ourselves into the ground financially and ruining our child's future" sense, well, time will tell... Everyone can learn, hopefully we can too, otherwise yes, we're a big train wreck, but I think even then we'd still love each other even if it's a bad idea.
11. (again, another I hope is me) You're one of the smartest people I know and still so hard on yourself. What would it take for you to feel better?
I wish I knew. I always think I know, and it never quite works. I don't think I actually know how "better" would feel, that might be part of the problem, about the best I can do is "manic" sometimes..
12. We used to spend some fun time together, but haven't in a long time. Did I become too uncool for you?
Maybe, that'd require you identifying yourself ;) and likely you didn't become uncool, I just figured out you were NEVER cool, I just thought you were.
13. I love you so much, but I hate that you never try to improve yourself, your home, or your life.
I kind of am... See #2 It's also a self loathing thing- I get into a "what's the point" pattern that's hard to get out of. Another dumb thing, I know.
And now we'll move on to some of the things in my version that could still be me, though no one specified.
14. you're an asshole.
Sometimes definitely yes!
15. (another I WISH was me!) (could be TMI for some) your husband kissed me on the mouth once, inciting an irrational attraction and years of fantasy... most of them involving both of you.
So CONFESS for real already, maybe we are attracted to you too! We're not really swingers or poly, but we have been known to occasionally get a little extra friendly with some people who we think won't turn into possessed pea soup spitting drama freaks about it... On the same count, if you're a pea soup spitting drama freak, please feel free to keep it to yourself. We will probably tell you politely that we're not interested anyway if we know you are one. And no, we won't avoid you if we turn you down. We're grownups :) we understand fantasies and crushes, and that they also go away.
16. (I responded personally to this, but will again here for posterity) & to the person who keeps suggesting that we do things & then cancelling @ the last minute: Next time, the answer is "How about never? Is never good for you?"
Yes, I am a piece of shit. My personal schedule keeping abilities are alarming and sad. I go through waves of being organized and other waves where I'm just not. It's nothing personal, I probably feel really really bad about it, and have been apologizing. I'm sorry if my apologies start to sound old after a while, I'm sure they would if I were anyone but me. Sometimes I feel like I should just stop everything and get my life under control before speaking to another living soul again, but then I worry I'd never leave the house.
And for laughs I will give a short sampling of the ones that could have been written by me, about myself, but weren't:
1. I know I'm in a fucked up place because I feel like so many of these comments are directed at me.
2. I spun down into the deepest depression of my life last year because I felt I couldn't measure up to my current lover's standards, and felt worthless to everyone else.
This is not true in my current situation, but my last relationship before Crash closely resembles this comment
3. I believe in, trust in, and love God.
and I don't expect anyone else to do the same
4. During my depressive jags, I prove that I'm the biggest loser in the world by letting dirty laundry, dishes, and mail pile up until my place looks like a landfill.
YEP
5. I'm a big ol' chickenshit. I get a serious flirt on with a total hottie, or I get a lead on an exciting job, & I choke. Every time! & it's f*cking up my life!
a little less so since I am married, but YEP
6. I'm a bad parent: I play favorites. I try not to, but I'm afraid that they can tell.
8. I'm a worse kid. In my defense, the parent I should be calling is certifiable. I'm much happier when I don't have to think about them.
not declared certifiable, but that's only because she hasn't lost it in front of the right people yet
9. To all of the friends I've "gone missing" on: I'm really, really sorry. When I get depressed, I start to think that you all must loath me & then set about trying to make it happen by being totally unreliable. I'm trying to change, but it's hard!
I'll also be posting something innabit I've been threatening to post here and there for a while. Self examination stuff with coincidental relevance to this same meme...
