Moving forward...

[hippybngstockng]

We had a lovely Father's day here. We just got back from desert and beer at Future Cafe and Bakery in the lovely and scenic Annex and picking up a movie which all going well we will have the energy to watch. Spent a few hours before the Annex trip farting around the house after coming back from Dim Sum which was ALARMINGLY expensive. Since when can 2 people eat $20 EACH worth of Dim Sum in one sitting? I say never, the price must have gone up while I wasn't looking. It's a good thing I was in a good mood. I was in a good mood because before we went out I did something I haven't done in over 20 years.

I called my father and wished him a happy father's day.

For those of you going "wha?", this isn't really that big a deal, but it's this little petty-ass thing I've been doing to him for a long time because he was mostly absent, and ran my mom into the ground. He and I actually get along really well, and always have, but it's been well acknowledged that a lot of my life sucked because of him, so while I call him dad, he was about as fatherly as a rock. I really loved him anyway, but in that desperate sad way that children love parents that aren't there, so for years I used to take some satisfaction for taking it out on him in little ways like that, and not calling on his birthday, but I've decided that I'm too old for such stupidity and pettiness anymore.

I told him straight up I was "dropping the 'I won't wish you a happy father's day' bit" because I feared that to a certain extent some of his continuing to beat himself up over the past stems from the blaming himself for every aspect of my childhood like he does (and well, he is responsible, but I forgave him), and that I'm not helping the situation by dragging it on and on and on until the end of time. If I forgave him I should be the big person and pick up the damn telephone on the certain stupid day and say the three stupid little words, since it's not like the words make anything WORSE. I do love him, and despite his not being terribly fatherly, he is my dad. If I really wanted to continue to be rude I could say something like "Thanks for the sperm, AssHat" but despite my protesting, and despite his tendencies, I did learn one or two things from him. If he hadn't been my dad, then my life would have taken a completely different shape. Who knows what kind of crap I might have landed in then! From where I stand I got off pretty easy, so I am glad my dad is my dad. Sometimes I wish I could trade in my mom, but then I would have missed my grandma.

This is all her fault by the way... She told me I shouldn't just let him go... I'm finally starting to understand now the way she said I would someday, someday when I stopped being so angry... I think it's also uniquecrash5's fault for being such a great dad and husband, even if he isn't perfect either. It helps take a lot of the sting off of the whole word Father for me. The day itself was a terrifying ordeal in pain for me, and these days it's not so bad. I could probably even peruse the card section without choking on a belly full of rage. Commercials still get me sometimes though, and they may always, but I just try to paint over all that shit with pictures of my husband and son.

A shout out to all you dads, and would-be dads, and kinda sorta dads, and of course primary care givers everywhere. Hope you had a happy day.

All my love to uniquecrash5, who is my favorite daddy of them all.

Comments

[missangelyss.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the sperm, AssHat.

*LAUGH*
*GUFFAW*
*snort*
*giggle*

Hold on... I've gotta get a towel to clean the iced tea from the screen.
Ok... that was too funny! And I can SO relate.

Good for you for calling your dad!
I was going to say some stuff about growing up, maturing... blahblahblah but I couldn't get it phrased so it didn't seem a little condescending. Particularly since I myself did not call my dad today. Now I think I probably should have. Someone has to be the grown up and I've long realized that my dad never steps into that role unless he absolutely has to.

So truly... good for you! I hope he had some idea of the magnitude of that call. And even if he didn't, you did. Certainly something to be proud of.

[hippybngstockng.livejournal.com]

No worries about wanting to share :) I bet I sound pretty "on high" sometimes when I go on, I am good about knowing when to be bothered and when not, and I love stories :)

I don't know whether it's even maturity, or just a change of perspective. I've been doing a lot of looking at the things I do and don't do in the name of "my honor" lately- I think I thought that one was somehow proving a point for me that when I look at it in that big global warm fuzzy Oprah sense just started to seem... very pointless. But that's largely due to the fact that while my dad was lame, he also wasn't evil, he was just really really lame... I'm a loser myself sometimes so holding that against him is like just ASKING for my son to hold every little stupid thing against me later on.

ON THE OTHER HAND :) if my dad had been probably even a fraction worse, like hit me or called me names, or done stuff like that to my mom, then I probably would still be refusing to pick up the phone. Also, if my dad wasn't a very different person now who's turned his life around that call may not have happened. It's a very fine line that I understand is different for everyone. You might have a really good reason that makes it a better idea that you never pick up that phone. My dad deserves that call, maybe your's doesn't, or doesn't yet... :)

I'm proud of myself, yes, and that part does feel good. It's a step in the right direction I could have made years ago, so it feels good to finally just start doing it. It's my mom who's petty about it these days, I think now that she can't legally monopolize my time she's getting selfish about it, and any time my dad's name comes up it starts her seething. *sigh* That's when I do feel like the grown-up in the family! LOL

[olivia777.livejournal.com]

My father died when I was 10. I thought about him today, of course. Father's Day used to be so painful, but it's not as bad now. I used to be very angry with my mother for years. When I finally worked through my anger and forgave her, I felt so much better. I'm glad that you were able to call your dad, not just for your dad, but mostly for yourself.

[rubylou.livejournal.com]

Jason is a wonderful daddy.

[hippybngstockng.livejournal.com]

He really is, and he's been the favorite lately as well- when he walks in a room K just lights up and needs him to follow him everywhere and chatters at him and jumps on him. He never wants to leave him behind if he can help it, though he's gotten much better about letting him leave for work. Admittedly a lot of that has to do with the GIANT GLOWING EYE taking his attention away from the pain of daddy leaving, but he still says "Bye bye bye bye bye bye" and watches him go. It's very sweet. He's totally Daddy's little man right now :)