PMS is like the guest that won't leave

[hippybngstockng]

I want to thank everyone who said nice supportive things about my post the other day about being sick of parenting... I really appreciate it. I'm actually doing pretty okay, but PMS has really been getting the best of me these past few months, so it's hard for me to clear the anger fog and see the good things all around me. I can't wait until we have health insurance again so I can finally go to a doctor and say something like, "help me before I accidentally hurt everyone in a 50 foot radius please..."

But I have learned one new thing about me and PMS this week- there is some chocolate in the world that I will NOT eat...

In the past during the darker moments of PMS I have resorted to breaking out the blocks of semi-sweet baking chocolate when there was nothing else around- I've drunk Hershey's syrup straight out of the bottle, and I've eaten M&M's that have probably spent MONTHS on my floor, but I discovered yesterday (admittedly when the PMS was starting to clear) that I cannot bring myself to eat M&M's that have been soaking in water for any length of time... The outer shell takes on this gritty thing which if it happens *in* your mouth is fine, but if it's that way when it *enters* your mouth you get this creepy feeling like you're eating pre-chewed food... For probably the first time ever I actually threw chocolate away...

My little man is still sleeping on the couch after waking up multiple times during the night. He had a nose bleed one of those times, but I have yet to figure out where he was when it happened- He's been sick, and I think it may finally have turned into a URI or something, so we may be going on a medical adventure today.

And I got a bunch of stuff in the mail I have to read about screening for autism and stuff- the "feeling like I can't walk away" part I was talking about before has been referring to the feeling I have that something is pretty wrong and needs fixing right now... On the one hand what I really *want* right now is some selfish me time to do some things I haven't gotten to do in a while, like shop or read for more than 2 minutes at a time, or do any of those normal adult things you can't do when you are constantly making sure your toddler isn't climbing out the window. But the other hand is about elbow deep in this bucket of stress that is my child... He doesn't want to meet my eyes even when I ask really nicely, though if he wants something he will do it just fine, but the rest of the time it's like he's in his own little universe and I'm intruding. He obsessively plays with cars rolling them on the floor and examining the wheels, he has a bunch of other autistic-sounding little habits like that. I know whatever the problem is, be it the Big A or maybe just ADD or something social, that he will grow up and be a normal person (or as normal as he wants to be) because all this stuff is relatively mild compared to the text book examples I've heard about. That knowledge doesn't help the day to day creepiness of your child treating you like you are the enemy a lot of the time... He is worst to my husband- he will actually come running to me crying about Daddy as if he was being hurt by him, when usually it's just that Daddy was telling him the same old things I do- don't climb on that, don't put that in your mouth, etc. He used to love to go to the store or out to play with Daddy and now he screams at him when he gets into bed with us... I know that is a phase a lot of little ones go through, and that someday it will be me that will be the loser and Daddy will become the god-like figure that I am today, but it still sucks anyway...

So that's why I feel like I have to stick around all the time, that if it isn't me that he'll give up on the outside world entirely because he'll think I'm abandoning him... I remember having a lot of abandonment issues when I was little, so I feel like I need to cut him the slack and take my time for myself later when I can explain it to him better... I just wish he would listen NOW!!!!!

I saw a t-shirt on a little guy at the last Folklife I got to attend in Seattle that if anyone knows where I can get one please let me know- it was the Microsoft exclamation point symbol with the phrase WARNING! I am 2 underneath it... If I can't find it I swear I am going to make one somehow...

Comments

[rednikki.livejournal.com]

*hug*. I'm afraid I don't have anything better to say than that.

[hippybngstockng.livejournal.com]

That's cool, I love hugs- hugs are good :) Thank you!

And hugs for you and yours as well...

[drglam]

For what it's worth, I'm told that I was very avoidant and object/activity obsessive as a child (enough so that people sometimes asked my mom if I were retarded and/or mute). No point, except that the range for normal is quite large.

Have I told you lately that I admire your courage? I just couldn't do what you're doing.

[hippybngstockng.livejournal.com]

I definitely think he's in the normal range as well, but it feels like there's something icky going on and that's the only reason I worry. I want his childhood to be perfect of course, and because he doesn't seem to be having the same rip-roaring good time that I see other kids his age having I get freaky about it....

And thank you! I admire your courage too! I don't think I could muster the dedication to become a super-cool PhD :)

[morganminstrel.livejournal.com]

Well, now that I have a moment to breathe, I send hugs your (and Crash's) way. And Kaegen's way too. (Hmm. I have no idea if I spelled that right.) Not much more I can do than that, but I do hope things get much better for you. And that you come visit soon--preferrably when I'm actually in the state and not buried by work. ;-) Miss you, ya know.

[hippybngstockng.livejournal.com]

You've come closer than most on the spelling- it's Kaegan...

I don't know when we're going to be able to visit again, but it's not from a lack of wanting to...

We miss all you guys as well, though admittedly not as much as when we lived in Ohio ;)

Re: How has he been around strangers?

[hippybngstockng.livejournal.com]

Actually we do have a friend who's come over at least once, and is someone who watches a little friend of his, Maya, who is nine days older- He likes her A LOT and she is going to be doing some baby sitting for me in the future... I've also sometimes been leaving him at Maya's since her parents are the ones we stayed with while we were looking for housing and jobs so he's very familiar with them and their house- feels like it's his other home I think... Thing is one of the only phrases he says when he's upset is also, "OH NO! MAYA!!!" Like she's the one causing the trouble even if she's not there...

I can't sneak out anymore- he eventually notices that I am gone and loses it... If I tell him I am leaving he will lose it for a while but recover eventually, but usually he won't sleep unless I am there, or if he does it's only because he was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO tired he couldn't keep himself up anymore...

The going out is not so much the problem anymore (since I now have more baby-sitting options than my mother) It's my own reluctance because of circumstances that just has me feeling incredibly selfish and guilty over the need to...

And it's not a dumb suggestion, it's a great one, I just happen to have already tried it... :)