Not to scare those of you who are about to be parents

[hippybngstockng]

I got a mail from an old old friend whose son recently hit the twos. He described an affect I am all too familiar with that I want to quote here for posterity...

"...recently I've been in one of those periods where I experience being with [my son] as knuckling under to a demented tyrant's insane demands for ten hours a day, rather than (at the other pole of being) getting to play in sandboxes all the time."

It's really not popular to say this, but I don't like being a parent all the time. I get really sick of it, I wish I could just leave him in a day care and go get my hair done, go have coffee with a friend, go have a real date with my husband. If I manage to do these things I end up feeling guilty somehow like I am avoiding my responsibility, or not treasuring it properly, that I should always want to feel constant devotion to my son.

And it's not to say I don't because obviously if I didn't I wouldn't have the guilt, I'd just go do that stuff, screw him, lalalala....

Lately I can't walk away at all, and it's a problem. He's still very stressed from the move, or that's what I keep telling myself- it's a phase, it's this it's that, it's not that he just hates us because we suck. Hey, it's fair to say because if *I* were a 2 year old, from my perspective, I *would* hate me because I *do* suck... I don't understand a word he says, I don't give him what he wants when he wants it, we never do what he wants to (in his estimation) and I never have the stuff he wants to eat since all he really wants to eat is ice cream sandwiches. I also won't let him watch television 24 hrs a day, and watch it with him, what he wants to watch when he wants to (which is always Thomas the Tank Engine, or Toy Story, though it is also sometimes Spirited Away which I will happily watch.) I won't carry him around everywhere we go so he can spend his day with his hand down my shirt since we don't nurse anymore. I won't let him stay at the park without his mittens on until his hands bleed, and I won't spend my entire day getting on and off subway trains... If I were him I'd have a hard time looking me in the eye too...

Until this time is over I feel like I can't win- he's got to learn to talk, he's got to learn to listen and attempt to understand what I am trying to tell him, and if not then ask me for clarification. Until then it's all on me, whether I can take it and suck it up and manage to smile through it... I try to make little things fun, but when you're the tyrannical overlord it all just seems like corporate whitewash to a toddler...

Be kind to a parent near you today- take them a magazine, have an adult conversation with them, they may not realize they desperately need it, but they do...

Comments

*nodding in sympathy*

[pinky-ki.livejournal.com]

My pre-parenting experience was not really with infants (except briefly for yours :) ) it was with 2 year olds. That's not a coincidence. That's the time when babysitters become a necessity, or Mom is going to _kill_ this child. My cousin, for whom I took care of her two year old girl for two weeks as a live-in nanny while she went back to work (many years ago), sent me a lovely card congratulating me on my pregnancy and reminding me to always carry my housekeys on me. Alyce helpfully locked us out of the house one day. :/
What you are describing sounds like the usual nightmare. It's the worst, and I know you feel it. They challenge you on everything. They understand "no" but do what they want anyway. Sometimes I swear they do things, just to see what you will do. Tricksy little hobbitses. >:(
It sounds as if you are (painfully) doing all the right things. Be strong! And ignore the guilt as much as you can to take little sanity breaks here and there! And take some notes, if you can, to pass on to me for my benefit later... ;)

*hug*

[zauditu.livejournal.com]

My only experience with children lately has led to revelations that7-10 year olds are a hoot and want to hear about gross stuff all the live long day, and that high school boys are terrified by me - as an older woman but not one that's old enough to be their mother - which I find very funny...and that they are ravenous pigs and tyrants.

Prior experience has been with older children, too, and girls. Talk to me when they get to be 6, 8 or 11 and I will have much to sympathize with.

What I can say, though, is that my mother was a great mother. She raised me right. She has always loved me without bounds and unconditionally. Nevertheless, she has been quoted as saying that as I was a wonderful, adorable and charming baby, but that my skills as a human being left lots to be desired for the first couple of years. I also remember her saying that when my brother was two, she almost went crazy for the monotony and constancy of motherhood - she DESPERATELY just wanted weekends again.

I have great faith in you as a parent, my dear. I have not a doubt in the world that you love your son, your son loves you, and that you will have a great relationship with him as you both grow.

One more thing -

[zauditu.livejournal.com]

I also will give you encouragement by reminding you that my parents moved me from Ethiopia to Wisconsin when I was the age of your son, and my brother moved from Wisconsin to Ethiopia when he was just a little older. Much MUCH more dramatic difference in surroundings - and we both were able to adjust. Kids are reslient. He'll adapt. Really.

[rubylou.livejournal.com]

I think none of us moms and dads like being a parent all of the time. Popular or not, it's the truth, and more folks should have the guts to ADMIT it.

I'm there with you, Sah. Give me a call sometime, and we'll commiserate over our adored, amazing, exasperating bambini.

[sarrabellum.livejournal.com]

You're not alone. It's all normal. Platitudes, right? But they're all true. I went through them all - but single, and working two or three jobs to boot. Talk about GUILT! I *was* alone, and I *was* leaving him in day care out of necessity.

*sigh*

And it doesn't get easier as they get older - it just gets harder in different ways. But it also gets better, too.

P.S.

[sarrabellum.livejournal.com]

>>Be kind to a parent near you today- take them a magazine, have an adult conversation with them, they may not realize they desperately need it, but they do...<<

I wish everyone we knew would hear this. Duncan and I have had fewer than 4 nights alone since we moved to Seattle - two and a half years ago.

[onelargecat.livejournal.com]

It is good to hear someone who is a parent say this!! My husband and I are not really sure yet if we will have kids, mostly because we worry that we won't always feel like we want to be the utterly devoted parents that everyone makes you think you should be. So it is good to hear a parent admit to having those feelings, since it makes it seem more real, and more like there's a way to deal with it (other than just not having kids at all).

[hippybngstockng.livejournal.com]

I've ended up being privy to a friend of mine's confidential posts about her questions about just this issue- she's recently found out she's on a rather unfortunate dead line where actual child-birth is concerned, so it's a now or never thing...

She's been getting a ton of advice from parents and even some non-parents. Basically the highlights are- If you really want kids for the right reasons, have them. All that stress stuff will work out in the end if you stay strong and committed. If you aren't committed to the idea of seeing another human being through their life (and it's their *life*, not just the first 18 years) then you can afford to occasionally get pissed at them behind their backs, but if you can't manage to smile through it, if you feel like you would have to give up or put on hold too much of the rest of your lives- if there are things you cannot live without that a child will prevent you from having, then you shouldn't.

There is a wide range of options available these days for child care if you are willing to go that route, and then you don't have to give up anything beyond the cash for the child care (which is a lot), so it helps if you have good jobs, but it's not completely necessary...

I keep telling people to find a friend with a child and borrow it- everyone always says that with your child it will be different, and that's COMPLETELY true, but at the same time, I think someone else's child will help you gauge what you're going to feel like when you *don't* like your own kid...

If all the posts I am referring to weren't locked I'd point you at them, but they are, so if you'd like to ask me more questions or anything, feel free :)