grumblings

[hippybngstockng]

The house looks like a clutter bomb went off in it, and I frankly don't care. I'm still to phlegm ridden to care about much. I'm also seriously grumpy.

My mom is supposed to take K for a weekend sometime around May 21. This is great, and I am looking forward to it. Thing is I realized that I've been on the job here now for going on 3 years- in fact by May 21 it would have been 3 years and 11 days. So that's 1107 days with my longest break being 8 hours. What did I do in that 8 hours? Well there were errands, even if some of them were at Ikea. But I realized that that is often my first reaction. I am so behind on so many things related to shopping that when I get time to myself the first thing I always think to do is try to catch up.

I'm just in a bad place about it right now, if I go on about it it will be boring and long and just awful so I am moving on. The point is I've forgotten what it was I used to "do". You know, when I wasn't being a mom, or just an errand boy. I don't read anymore except crap I find on the web, I watch TV while I am doing everything else, and I just kind of exist. I haven't picked up my knitting in forever, and that's a bad thing because M's birthday is Saturday and if I had been thinking and working on it, I could have finished this blanket I was working on for her, in addition to the one I have for a certain someone else... Not to mention the other things I wanted to make for other people's children... Oy.

I just feel like I'm on autopilot all the time, except the autopilot is getting ready to cry MUTINY and take off. And I feel incredibly selfish.

Crash wants to go to "the Great Canadian BayCon" or whatever it's really called- it's some game convention in Hamilton which is like a hop skip and a jump away, but he wants to go on Saturday, specifically during M's birthday party, and probably for hours and hours after it. He keeps asking me how I feel about it, and yesterday I tried to put it in terms he would understand and make up his fucking mind about it- that I feel guilty saying anything about it because it's kind of something that benefits his job, despite the fact that he would also get to have fun while he is there.

See one of the unfortunate side effects of being the wife of a guy whose job is inherently based on fun is that sometimes when he has to do something that is for his job you get this feeling like you're being cheated on in a way because it means he also gets to have fun. A lot. All the time in fact, and usually while you're at home with the baby, bare foot and pregnant in the kitchen as it were. So I occasionally have to repress those feelings of being on the short end of the stick since it's not his fault he does what he does, well, it kind of is, but as another friend of his also in the games industry pointed out: "Just because you make porn all day doesn't mean you don't want to come home and have sex at night". So I started off with that, but then it kind of degenerated into my normal rant at this point, mostly about how there always seems to be one thing or another that needs to be gone to or done that leaves me home doing the same old shit by myself, and him off having a fuck of a lot more fun than I ever get to have. Even when I go on trips I have to bring K so any "real fun"TM I get to have is mostly curtailed by this.

So I think what I ended up saying was "Do what you want to, but realize ultimately it will count against you" which still make me seem like shit.

I'm really tired of being put in that position for having needs.

But if I kept him home, you know what we'd likely do? Clean the fucking house, and then go to a stupid birthday party seething with screaming midgets and adults who aren't watching them carefully enough. He would ignore me there and leave me watching the kid either way (yes, that's bitchy, but also historically accurate) so if he isn't there, what's the difference? Well the difference is that he'd be the next town or so over hanging out with adults, having fun conversations and getting to play interesting intelligent games with people, whereas I'd be suffering. That's what.

So I feel like a terrible bitch for wanting simply to not have to suffer alone. And I feel extra bitchy because I feel like at this point he shouldn't even have to fucking ask, that he should know what the answer to that question is. I am in full blown selfishness mode here, and it's becoming really quite ugly. I want everyone to suffer as much as I am, and it makes me feel ugly.

If I had something I wanted to do that had to be pushed aside because of this I might feel okay about my anger, but the truth of it is that I don't. It's just LIFE that always gets pushed to the side- and that always means that it gets pushed to ME because those things that get pushed aside are the things that I do all the time, the things I really could use help doing, the things I bitch constantly about. I hate it when those things become important enough that I care about them, I just want to live in a sty and be happy, but I can't. I'm really miserable and I feel like there's nothing I can fucking do about it because I can't even complain properly. I'm just really sick of the need to get out of bed every morning and make sure there isn't stickiness on everything and that things aren't in danger of breaking or killing anyone, and that we all have clothes to wear. Why is it my fucking problem anyway.

And then I remember, Oh yah, I asked for this shit...

What the fuck was I thinking...

Comments

[neeuqdrazil.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[sarrabellum.livejournal.com]

You are totally right and entitled to feel exactly how you feel - all of it. You have the HARDEST JOB IN THE WORLD, and you are frequently doing it by yourself. Please don't ever feel like you need to explain or justify to anyone - because you don't.

I'm really sorry that things are so difficult for you. I wish I could do something... anything. If you were here (or if I was there), I'd be swooping in to take care of both you and K on a regular basis. Instead, all I can say is to write or call ANYTIME. I've been there, more or less. I am willing to listen to you rant for as long as is necessary. Anytime.

Much love to you.

[habibekindheart.livejournal.com]

Don't you hate being in a difficult spot and realizing it's all your fault? /sigh

I don't know what to tell you besides 'I understand, BTDT' and of course *hugs*

Re: *hugs*

[hippybngstockng.livejournal.com]

It's not so much a "I've done X for Y amount of time and you've only done Z" it's more that I can't do X for Y amount of time and not get to stop soon, no matter WHO it is who takes over for a few days. The rest of it is bad communication issues, because I agree the numbers thing is not the problem because it's qualitative, totally. My problem is that I don't seem to get to walk away totally, and if I did, where would I go? *sigh*

And thanks...