T-day

[hippybngstockng]

Happy Thanksgiving, Canada (well, tomorrow, but you know what I mean).. And happy Thanksgiving to everyone, even if you're not celebrating it at the moment.

Today we joined A and C and C's family for Thanksgiving dinner. Yummy turkey with all the fixins, and delicious pie. It was a lovely time, but K's been feeling kinda oogy in the guts, so we made it a somewhat shortened visit. They had been to our place the night before so they were kinda aware he wasn't feeling himself, so it was okay, but I still felt bad.

Lots of things to be thankful for today, especially meeting and getting to know good local and not-so-local folks that I've met since I moved up here. I am thankful for all my friends, everywhere, since I have such awesome friends. I am lucky to have you folks in my life, each and every one of you, and I would like to thank you all for being you.

I am also thankful that my dad called today, and that he's still doing okay for the most part. Sounds like his family is looking out for him at least a little down there in Tennessee, since his brother gave him a job, which while it's only temp kinda stuff, it's better than nothing.

And as always I am as thankful as a girl could be to have my wonderful half-Canadian husband in my life for nearly 10 years, and for the beautiful son he helped me create. I am thankful for the great life we have together, even with all the adventure and chaos, and wouldn't trade it, except maybe for the cure for world hunger. The world would have to be really nice to me after that though, because I'd be giving up an awful lot.

Comments

[cmariewt.livejournal.com]

Here is the wacky thing. I feel like I am ready to have a baby. You know I am not one to be mushy, or think of things in terms of fairytales. But just in this year something in my body has changed. Everything in me wants to have a baby. Don't fear, I am not running and jumping on this. I first need to listen to what it is telling me, and see where this sudden longing is coming from. I did not think it would happen to me, ever. But here it is. Screaming in my face, and AT my ovaries. What the hell?!?! I haven't even said anything to B about it, due to the crap we went through last year. So he never would have mentioned the nursery thing because of anything I said. It just adds another "weird" factor to the whole thing. What the HELL!??!!?!?!?

[hippybngstockng.livejournal.com]

But just in this year something in my body has changed.
Ok.. I know it's maybe a little cold to say this, but sometimes I fear that people who should probably think about sticking to their guns about not having kids who suddenly hit a certain age and get a wash of hormones and change their minds are sometimes making a huge mistake. When you said the word BODY, I got chills, remembering how I used to be a lot like you were before you had this change of heart, and that I think it really was that wash of hormones that made me believe it was a good idea to do this, when some days I really think it's not so much... I love my kid, and I wouldn't trade him for puppies no matter how many times I jokingly say that, but really... If I could go back in time and tell myself how I would really end up feeling, somehow I think I might've made the other choice. I liked kids, but I liked being a grown-up a lot more, and I feel like I suck the fun out of some really simple things as a result. I have a good sense of humour about it all, but it's something I have to force myself to do at times, and I get impatient for him to grow up so I can stop doing kids stuff all the time. I am kind of a perpetual kid myself, so I don't want him to grow up too much, but I do find myself wishing that this whole corny childhood part was over a lot quicker.

I don't know you in the real world, so I only know how you feel about strangers and their children, but I would still warn you against that feeling that it will be different with your own spawn. If anything, your own child's annoying behaviour becomes the absolute bane of your existence. If you have a bitchy mom, it also likely to become all your fault! Don't get caught up in the warm fuzzy fantasy of how perfect it will all be, since while it WILL be WONDERFUL at times, the moments in between the wonderful can get to be a serious drag, especially with how constant they are. You will also find yourself reliving your entire childhood from a different perspective, so the bitchy mom who blames you for everything? You're going to end up needing to forgive her, and everyone who came before her, simply to be able to forgive yourself sometimes. It's a hard road, and not one to travel lightly. Especially not if you're not completely sure about the person traveling it with you. On a daily basis, hell, every 4 minutes even, I thank my lucky stars that I at least had the good sense to choose the husband I did, since he makes everything much easier, even if I paint him as kinda oblivious and slow at times. If I was with someone I couldn't trust, or really rely on, I'd be oh so incredibly screwed..

I don't want you to feel like I am telling you not to, but I am telling you to really give this a seriously long amount of thought. Consider taking some of my joking seriously, and testing yourself with children at length. They really are wonderful, but in a scary way. It can be a good life-changing scary, but it WILL fuck with your head no matter what. And you know I would not want to lie to you and tell you it will all be okay. It likely won't, and you'll be learning a lot of new things very quickly in order to keep yourself going, are you ready for that??

And sorry I sound so serious, I don't want you to think I would doubt your skills as a parent, since I get a sense you would probably be a pretty good mom, I just worry it'll really piss you off.. ;)

[cmariewt.livejournal.com]

"Don't fear, I am not running and jumping on this. I first need to listen to what it is telling me, and see where this sudden longing is coming from."

This part was said because I knew the reaction I would get from everyone who has kids. I am most definitely NOT jumping into this. I am not even saying that I am going to have one. What I mean is that my body/hormones/whatever have flipped their shit, and I am trying to find out why.

I don't believe in fairytales, and I sure as shit don't believe that I would automatically love something because it's "mine". One thing I have to give my mom major credit for, is that she never sugar coated anything. She told me that she didn't love us all of the time, and there were days that she would have given everything to just have us be gone. I don't think that's the psycho part of her talking either.

The cons FAR outweigh the pros. There are too many things at stake. I have a tencdecy to get overwhelmed and just leave. Leave the person I live with for a week, and stay somewhere else. How in the hell would I do that with a child? I like to buy myself things, and have nice things. Once again, not likely with a child. I value my personal time on a level that is very selfish. Children are clingy and dependant. No thanks. Don't worry, I am not an idiot. Just because my ovaries and doctor is telling me it's time, doesn't mean I will lay down and spread them. No, no way. I have my life to think about, my pets, the things I enjoy. All of that would be sacrificed if I had a child. I love to read, for hours on end. Not possible. I like to sleep in, not possible. I like to decide at 3pm that I will go out to dinner and have drinks with friends after work, that same day. Once again, not possible. I know what is involved with being a parent. Even being a half assed parent requires more than I am willing to give right now. And I am not willing to do anything half assed, ESPECIALLY when it comes to raising a human into a functioning adult. And what if there was something wrong with it? What if it had Down's, or autism? What if it was ugly and mean? Colicky? What if the hormone shift of giving birth did something to my depression and I had post partum depression horribly? I know these things can happen, and I know there is no chance that everything turns out perfectly.

What about my body? Sure, maybe it's shallow, but it's something that is important to me. What if I am scarred permanently from a C Section? What if I get horrid stretch marks and vericose veins? Would I resent the child for that? Sadly, I would. These things would also likely trigger a feirce eating disorder that still lies dormant just under the surface. What if this baby brought about the demise of my relationship? What if he didn't love this one as much as he loves the one from his previous relationship? How would it affect my future relationships? No. There are too many what ifs, and maybes.

Here's another question, why the fuck does my coffee cup smell like motor oil right now? Sorry, I just noticed that and it's bothering the shit out of me...

Anyway, my point is that I am not one to jump into things. This is the exact reason I have not said anything in my journal. I don't know if people have read my journal for years, and still just don't get who I am, but that is not me. Especially when it comes to something that I had convinced myself I didn't want. It's like this... I have been agnostic for my whole adult life. Just because I see a pretty cross pendant, doesn't mean I am going to run off, become a nun, and live in a convent. Rather, I would just want to explore my feelings behind it. Why did I like the cross? Was it the shape? The material it was made out of? The symbolism? I love learning about myself, everything about myself. Which is why I am constantly stepping out of my own comfort zone. If I don't know every layer of me, how can I expect anyone else to ever know me? So no fears. I mean, if something was to happen where I became pregnant, that is a situation I would have to deal with, and I still couldn't guarantee that I'd keep it. However, I am doing everything, and then some, in my power to prevent that.

[cmariewt.livejournal.com]

and it wouldn't let me post this part because it made the previous comment too long...

I believe that everything happens for a reason. If my doctors are right, and I can't have any in another two years, then so be it. Maybe that's what was meant to be. I need to look at every option before that time though. Which is why I went to three doctors, which is likely why I am feeling this way. It's easy for someone who has no problem conceiving and carrying to say "oh, just wait a while". It's like a rich person telling me not to stress over my bills. I am not referring to you in any way there either.

P.S.

[cmariewt.livejournal.com]

I have worked with children, and been around plenty. In the past few years I have seriously limited my extended time around kids, except Bailey. That is directly because of the miscarriages, I know that, and I know that this is also a reason that I goes on my Cons list. What if I truly wanted the baby I was carrying, and lost that one too? Well, that may just be enough to push me over for good.

Re: P.S.

[hippybngstockng.livejournal.com]

I got all your comments, and I am glad to see you seem to be thinking along the lines I was hoping you would. I've always liked the fact that you are in touch with yourself, and your needs, and the ways in which it might be hard on you.

Indeed, there seems to be this moment when our bodies wake up and suddenly decide that despite all the logic you can throw at it, part of us is wired to feel a need to reproduce. Especially this is true of people who've had miscarriages because you never fully lose those hormones, even if you never actually had a child reach full term. You react as a parent, whether you are one or not. This might also be part of what's messing with you at the moment.

I don't take it personally that you're upset with people who can have kids easily telling you to just wait, and I didn't hesitate to be honest with you because I knew the reasons you would want to tell me about this and get my opinions on it. So much so that I also feel comfortable cautioning you to resist anyone who is telling you to hurry up and decide it NOW because now might be your only chance to do it. Just because this might be your last chance to do birth yourself for some medical reason doesn't mean it's your last chance to have children!! I think if it really matters to you to raise a child of your own, you can still make it happen somehow.. It might not be the same in your mind, but you could always look into adopting, fostering, or any of a number of ways in which children can happen in your life once you're sure it's what you want. It's never the same as having your own baby, but it can be if you open yourself to the possibilities. Raising a kid is supposed to be about love and all that fun stuff, and while sharing genetics is fun, it's also often as much a problem! ;) Also, in case I haven't mentioned it lately, or ever, pregnancy sucks rocks, don't believe the hype about it being all warm fuzzies either.. It's 9 months of aches, pain, and a perpetually runny nose. I've never missed being able to bend over so much.

So, yep, sorry I was hard on you, and yes, I know you won't jump to any decisions without thinking about it, just making sure no one pushes you either without SOMEONE at least being honest about it. I would be some kinda asshole if I was not, and you turned out to be really unhappy later because I didn't speak up. I also honestly mean the other things as well, the part about how I think you'd be a pretty good mom. Your awareness of all this stuff proves it, since you wouldn't be saying all this if it didn't really matter to you to make it work if it did happen. Relax honey, rising to the occasion can suck, but somehow I think you'll do fine.

A little part of me wonders if you're passionately thinking about it at this particular moment because you're already pregnant, but that's only because you suddenly up and mentioned your coffee smelling like motor oil. I'll only really worry I've overstepped in worrying you if you come back and say your boobs are also sore. :)