The evening edition

[hippybngstockng]

I'm like one side of a peanut butter sandwich that's be peeled apart. I feel sticky and out of place and scared of falling on the floor and getting covered in lint.

We're trying to entertain ourselves, watching special movies and trying to use words to figure out what to eat and do, but I can tell it's just not the same for either of us. I don't think it's me doing it, I think he's truly confused and has no clue why Daddy is running so late. I hope bath time goes smoothly since that's usually his job too.

For my part I keep getting wrong number phone calls, hoping for something else. I've talked to Crash a couple of times (he's a local phone call for me, regardless of being far away) but it's mostly just driven home how long it will be before he gets back. Velma is coming tomorrow, and that's a good thing. Even though I am doing pretty well right now I am sure that without some time off by Saturday afternoon I'd be ready to just give Crash the car and the child when I pick him up from the airport and just hop the next plane to somewhere far far away. I think I am going to go buy underwear. I need to, and I'll just leave it at that because I don't really know the comfort level of those of you out there ;) Let's just say it's time I let about half my collection go, and maybe another half go in a box for sometime when my ass decides to get smaller again if that day ever comes.

I've had a lot of coffee, but I still don't feel very awake. Never got to the bedroom, probably won't tonight, but the rest of the house got vacuumed and I unpacked a box that was sitting out. I am dimming the light slowly to try to ease us into bedtime. Wish me luck, as this is the time of day when I usually turn into a pumpkin, especially when I got up at 7. I wish my child was like other children who sleep 10 hours a night. I am lucky if I get 8, and usually they're not even in a row.

Whine whine complain complain why me and all that crap. I don't feel very well either, I hope it's just the coffee. This would be a fine time to get sick, wouldn't it. I'd really be in some pretty shit then, hell, I'd have to let my mom come up and visit after all, and the thought of that is... well.... blood curdling. I'm just not ready to have her here again. It's not that she'd pick on me, actually she'd probably roll over dead with shock at how cool my place looks (I'll get pics up soon, I promise) but I just don't want people in my house right now. I think it's just the whole "MINE" thing... It was really a drag not having our own place for as long as we did. I swear I'll get over it soon. I even really want to have a house warming soon, since dammit we deserve a real one this time.

I'm off to go feel ill and sorry for myself and miss my man along with my other little man. He misses him too, but surely not in the same way ;)

Comments

[bookwormb.livejournal.com]

Hugs - Not sure if your particular kind of misery would like company right now or not. If so, well, I'm having a pretty bad night here as well...Make a long story short, i'm unsure about wanting my kid - i'm talking about the kid that came into my life 4 short/eternal months ago, my foster daugher - she says and believes that if her biological mother's parental rights are terminated (as they very well may be, in another 9 months of so of damned uncertainty limbo) she will never be happy again. At that point (end of this year, give or take whatever time the courts take to make determinations) i get to be the (in her mind) never-good-enough adoptive parent, if I chose to. So many reasons to do it, and so many not to. Fuck. When I got into foster care, I knew it would be hard to deal with stuff, I knew it would be hard to let the kids go back to their families, and to not have a say while watching the courts, social workers, etc, decide their future. I did not think about the DECISIONS I *would* have a say in, being hard. I did not know about being second fiddle in a child's mind POSSIBLY FOREVER to a drug-addict neglectful biological parent, about having to fight in a never-ending war against the feelings of abandonment in this child FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE. Worse, having to choose between that, or ADDING to her sense of abandonment by opting NOT to adopt her. Fuck.

[hippybngstockng.livejournal.com]

I started writing something but it quickly degenerated into unsolicited advice I think :)

I know absolutely nothing about your situation other than what you just told me, and some other stuff I've heard you say in the past, so I shouldn't be handing out advice, for sure, but I do have a question with some mild advice for you, only because you hit on one of my favorite neurosis, abandonment-

Last I checked this girl is something approaching 10, correct? I know this sounds nuts, but kids are really pretty smart, and I think you should just ask HER what she thinks you ought to do. If you open it up to her as "Let's talk about what you think things would really be like..." kind of discussions, running through continuing on with you, or starting over with another family, or the sounds-like-remote chance of going home. You could also talk about her feelings about the possible termination, and what that really ultimately means as well. I don't know the specifics of whether the parents are doing anything to avoid termination or whether she just wishes that they would, but if they are not and are truly abandoning her you have an opportunity to point out to her that it doesn't always mean the parent doesn't love the child. I knew my dad loved me, but eventually it became clear he was completely incapable of being a parent. If someone had handed him an opportunity to pass me along he probably would have too, but he would have felt awful, but my mom picked up his slack quite handily. He and I joke these days that if it hadn't been for my mom that I would have likely ended up in the same situation your foster daughter is in, and I am happy it's only a joke for me. When I stopped looking at my dad as a "parent" and started treating him as a friend things felt much better. Perhaps your foster daughter can try to look at it the same way- they are her parents, she can love them, but she can't trust them and therefor can feel okay about being abandoned and having to live with someone else? And is it so bad if it's you? Does that make sense?

Re: *hugs*

[hippybngstockng.livejournal.com]

I get to live in the beautiful results actually, and that's pretty gratifying in itself, though I can't go in the bedroom. In fact I didn't even sleep in there last night, seemed like there was no point so I just fell asleep on the couch.

But yes, I just found out I get to be home today so I will check on doing that, but I will also have to take the pictures! :)