![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hippybngstockngI've been worrying just a little since the comments (which were all wonderful and very much appreciated by the way, *hugs*), that I didn't do enough to reassure you guys that while I'm not completely okay at the moment, I know I'll BE okay at some point, probably soon, and that means a lot. I've been making a lot more progress on it in general in the last 2 years, more on the regular ol' depression than the PPD parts, but still, a LOT of progress. I just need to keep in mind at all moments of every day that what I eat really has a lot to do with what I think. The major problem with the last bunch of weeks really has been a serious lack of vegetables, and a serious overload of sugar. Sugar in large quantities can make me incredibly darkly depressed, especially if I only throw protein and starch on top of it, even if they're semi-complex. I can only eat sugar if I am also eating other healthy things at the same time, or I totally lose it. I can tell you this is so because we finally got not just fruit, but lettuce and other green things, and I've been eating them for almost 4 days now, and I feel at least 70-90% sane again, just like that. I'm still stressed over lots of other things, but they're all THINGS, not noise or self hatred, or focusing on badness that is way further down the line either in the future or the past.
Another thing that's been going on (and feel free to snicker) is that my Flylady stuff had stopped coming for technical reasons, so I might be a bit cranky because I really do rely on her to bring me back to earth sometimes. I get completely Martha Stewart in my head without her telling me to calm the fuck down.. With all the nutrition flowing through my system, I finally put my fear of navigating Yahoo aside and went through the process of fixing the situation, so yay, I'll have my mental poking stick back soon... I had to un-join, but I'll be back in a day or two.
And that will hopefully help to get rid of the other reason I KNOW I've been utterly bummed out the last little while, which is still the unpacking which is still not done.. I'm going to try to be totally hard core about Flylady when I sign up again. Never skip a single reminder or mission, and get myself REALLY clutter free this time around. Even being supposedly hard core last time, I still have way too much stuff, at least it seems that way.. I need to unpack it and find out! :P
ANYWAY... I think the problem with that post is that I discussed the past as well as the present as if they were pretty much the same, and if you aren't me and can't hold the two side by side to see the actual differences, it's easy to be scared by it. I'm not all that scary-sad anymore at all. While I still have some significant problems enjoying K's childhood at times, there are at least starting to be more and more times when I look at him and get all glowy and happy and impressed with this whole thing, and can bring myself to have lots of hopes and feel very good. They're still a lot less frequent than I'd like, and the dark comes up sometimes, but I'm getting there, and since I really LIKE it there, I want to get it more and more. I am okay with sad, but like most folks, I would prefer to be happy or at least happy-ish. I really am determined to get this licked, if not once and for all, at least back to the place where I can have a little more control over it. Not enjoying things sucks. Joy is free, I should take advantage of it more often! :)
And yeah, I should make my little statement about me and medication, feel free to tune out this paragraph if you've heard me say this before- I am trying to get through all this with as little medication as possible, partly because it's expensive, but mostly because the more I change my lifestyle, the less I seem to need it. I'm not against it as a concept, especially for folks who really can't deal without it, but I also have the very strong memory of how it went for me last time. Granted, this was Paxil back in 1996, which I understand is no longer sold because it needed a serious tweak. I got benefits from it in the beginning, but I ended up with the text book description of what happens to folks who took it long term- Totally flat, nearly emotionless, and unable to have orgasms. If that is still the family of drugs they would want to put me on, then I would so much rather try everything else first. I'd rather be the sad old me with orgasms, thank you very much, oh OH OH!! :) But seriously, if I can learn to do more walking for health and fun as well as eating well, who knows, I might not need the hard core meds. I'm really willing to give that a shot first, since yeah, I really like my orgasms. *ahem*
Back to the regularly scheduled updateyness. I will be in Toronto tomorrow during the day for a while. I'm going to the Kensington Market/Chinatown area to do some shopping, and it would only take a vague excuse to get me to go to Ikea too. That being said, if anyone around there wants to come along, or if anyone around here needs anything from Ikea or the KM, let me know and we shall see what can be arranged! :) I'm always willing to fetch people, and fetch things for people, if they're willing to be patient with the other aspects of my schedule.. I'll need to try to leave town by around 3 to keep myself from spending the whole evening on the 401, so I know it's unlikely anyone will have time, but I thought I'd throw it out there anyway! :)
Today it's been too hot to think about doing anything upstairs, and it's quickly getting too hot to do much down here too. We've been watching Craigslist for a cheap used air conditioner, and so far the only ones posted have been not cheap. It gets to the point where it's so hot I wonder if I wouldn't be well served to invest in a new one, since I am likely losing a lot of time I could be being useful just sitting around simply because it's too damn hot!! Way too many days now.. But sooner than I expect it will start getting cooler, so I should probably just hold out and spend more time at the mall. :P
Another thing that's been going on (and feel free to snicker) is that my Flylady stuff had stopped coming for technical reasons, so I might be a bit cranky because I really do rely on her to bring me back to earth sometimes. I get completely Martha Stewart in my head without her telling me to calm the fuck down.. With all the nutrition flowing through my system, I finally put my fear of navigating Yahoo aside and went through the process of fixing the situation, so yay, I'll have my mental poking stick back soon... I had to un-join, but I'll be back in a day or two.
And that will hopefully help to get rid of the other reason I KNOW I've been utterly bummed out the last little while, which is still the unpacking which is still not done.. I'm going to try to be totally hard core about Flylady when I sign up again. Never skip a single reminder or mission, and get myself REALLY clutter free this time around. Even being supposedly hard core last time, I still have way too much stuff, at least it seems that way.. I need to unpack it and find out! :P
ANYWAY... I think the problem with that post is that I discussed the past as well as the present as if they were pretty much the same, and if you aren't me and can't hold the two side by side to see the actual differences, it's easy to be scared by it. I'm not all that scary-sad anymore at all. While I still have some significant problems enjoying K's childhood at times, there are at least starting to be more and more times when I look at him and get all glowy and happy and impressed with this whole thing, and can bring myself to have lots of hopes and feel very good. They're still a lot less frequent than I'd like, and the dark comes up sometimes, but I'm getting there, and since I really LIKE it there, I want to get it more and more. I am okay with sad, but like most folks, I would prefer to be happy or at least happy-ish. I really am determined to get this licked, if not once and for all, at least back to the place where I can have a little more control over it. Not enjoying things sucks. Joy is free, I should take advantage of it more often! :)
And yeah, I should make my little statement about me and medication, feel free to tune out this paragraph if you've heard me say this before- I am trying to get through all this with as little medication as possible, partly because it's expensive, but mostly because the more I change my lifestyle, the less I seem to need it. I'm not against it as a concept, especially for folks who really can't deal without it, but I also have the very strong memory of how it went for me last time. Granted, this was Paxil back in 1996, which I understand is no longer sold because it needed a serious tweak. I got benefits from it in the beginning, but I ended up with the text book description of what happens to folks who took it long term- Totally flat, nearly emotionless, and unable to have orgasms. If that is still the family of drugs they would want to put me on, then I would so much rather try everything else first. I'd rather be the sad old me with orgasms, thank you very much, oh OH OH!! :) But seriously, if I can learn to do more walking for health and fun as well as eating well, who knows, I might not need the hard core meds. I'm really willing to give that a shot first, since yeah, I really like my orgasms. *ahem*
Back to the regularly scheduled updateyness. I will be in Toronto tomorrow during the day for a while. I'm going to the Kensington Market/Chinatown area to do some shopping, and it would only take a vague excuse to get me to go to Ikea too. That being said, if anyone around there wants to come along, or if anyone around here needs anything from Ikea or the KM, let me know and we shall see what can be arranged! :) I'm always willing to fetch people, and fetch things for people, if they're willing to be patient with the other aspects of my schedule.. I'll need to try to leave town by around 3 to keep myself from spending the whole evening on the 401, so I know it's unlikely anyone will have time, but I thought I'd throw it out there anyway! :)
Today it's been too hot to think about doing anything upstairs, and it's quickly getting too hot to do much down here too. We've been watching Craigslist for a cheap used air conditioner, and so far the only ones posted have been not cheap. It gets to the point where it's so hot I wonder if I wouldn't be well served to invest in a new one, since I am likely losing a lot of time I could be being useful just sitting around simply because it's too damn hot!! Way too many days now.. But sooner than I expect it will start getting cooler, so I should probably just hold out and spend more time at the mall. :P
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2006-07-31 07:50 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-07-31 08:08 pm (UTC)I can stop by tonight or tomorrow morning and pick it up, I just need to know where I am going, and when I should aim to be there by. I think the earliest I see myself leaving is 8:30, since anything before that will just have me sitting in traffic on the way there, so I'm betting I'll be in TO around 10:30 at the absolute earliest.
no subject
Date: 2006-07-31 08:14 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-07-31 08:43 pm (UTC)We just want you to be the happiest you possible.
;)