It's a cup...

[hippybngstockng]

I want to go to sleep, but I am just too wired to manage it at the moment. I had way too much caffeine in an effort to keep conscious through the Oscars, which the moms insisted on watching at my house. I don't usually watch them, but had planned on tuning in for the opening to at least check out Jon Stewart since I do loves me some Jon Stewart, but yeah, I can't believe I watched THE WHOLE THING... And now I CAN'T BELIEVE I AM STILL AWAKE... And yet, I am.

Got talking to waysofseeing about the whole moving thang, and ended up touching upon one of those items I am having some rather serious troubles with. It's a tea cup. Yes folks, just a stupid cup. It doesn't even have a saucer.

When I think about this cup without looking at it, I am filled with rage remembering how it came into my possession. If I tell you the story, you will wonder how the hell I ever forced myself to keep from smashing this poor cup in the first place, but if I show you the cup you will understand why I have such an intensely hard time just smashing it or giving it away. In fact, I can't decide which to do first because of how badly one will sway the other. It's that intense a tea cup, and that intense a story...

Anyway, instead of telling you either thing, I will talk about what uniquecrash5 always says when I try to get rid of something that is either useful or cool, simply because it is stuff one of us got from some corporate job we hated. "Don't blame the swag"

I try not to associate this poor little cup with that red-headed thing and all his stupid older brother tendencies that had us constantly at each other's throats for 4+ years. I try to stare into its adorable little face (yes, it has a face) and let myself love the little cup for who it is. I try to say sweet things to it about how it's not its fault the person who bought it was such a serious asshat, but sadly I come to that place every time I see that little thing pooching its sad little mouth at me from up on the shelf. I inevitably turn my head, and must clear my thoughts... Oh how I want to love the little cup because it is achingly beautiful. And it's just perfect for me, if you really know me... That's what makes it so much worse. There is no part of me that doesn't wish someone ELSE had given me this cup so I could stare up at it and marvel at that person's total and utter knowledge of me and what fills me with stupid cup-loving joy. It used to be true of the person who bought the mug, but you know how things change, and contents settle with shipping...

So here I am, oh, um, golly, approaching 12 years of owning this cup. Every time I think of getting rid of it, I eventually find myself clutching it to my heart because this is the kind of cup that can make you feel its innocence. I mentioned it has a face, right? I stare at it, and it actually stares back with its unseeing eyes and asks me why I would be so cold as to push it aside, just because I can't push the icky way it came to be my cup out of my mind? I try to get angry with it again, and remind myself that I have so many lovely mugs and tea cups, I would likely never miss this one. I should vigorously discard it, just like I tossed out a shit-load of old love letters from some people who I will never want to love again. I will most certainly never want to love that asshat again. I doubt I will ever cross paths with him again for that matter. There is nothing stopping me from sending this mug packing along with the rest of the cheese pile... But it's not cheesy, and it doesn't deserve such treatment. I know a good piece of ceramic when I see it, and I love this thing, I really do, I just really want use it to scoop the part of my brain out that remembers where it came from...

I don't think I can part with it, but I need to free myself of the memory, somehow. It must be changed, muted, something, and I don't know how... How do you purge a memory of a thing without purging the thing?

Comments

[djinnthespazz.livejournal.com]

Make an icon of the cup. Use it for your anger icon.
See if that leads to de-emoting the cup or escalating it.

I'd say, dump the cup. Too much in such a tiny volume. Why do you need to keep the heavy stuff? Maybe it will leave a vacancy that someone can fill by finding the next 'perfect' cup.

[tornattheelbo.livejournal.com]

y'know objects can be just as toxic as people can be. Sure it's not the teacups fault whoever bought it is an asshole, but if every time you see it it fills you with anger and rage, that screams toxicity to me.

you should hide it in your coat pocket and put it carefully on a shelf in value village or something, just to get it away from you, but you will know that the little red cup will likely get bought by someone who loves it, or needs a little red teacup.

you need to purge my dear! You will not miss the rage once it's gone. :p

[poeticalpanther.livejournal.com]

Why not gift it to someone else? At worst, you would know it's being appreciated by someone who can only see its beauty. At best, if they knew about you, maybe they could do something that would help de-toxify it for you, and give it back?

I understand your attachment. I have very similar feelings about some things - my cane, for instance, that I took to Bangkok with me, is no longer useful. It's coming apart at one of the joins (it's a collapsible). But I can't get rid of it - it went to Bangkok with me. It was there at my rebirthday.

I don't really have any items with bad vibes. Maybe my father's ring...but that's just sadness.

[koogrr.livejournal.com]

Hmmm...
1) Take a picture of it and let me see.
2) I'll find an exact or very similiar one online.
3) I'll send you what I find, you send me that one.
4) It's washed.

Btw, I know exactly how you feel. I have a white stuffed persian cat that I got from my (then) girlfriend Traci Essam. She gave me a bunch of things, which I've quite liked, but I never liked the cat. It collected dust too easily, didn't have a face I liked. We broke up a little while after. I keep looking at it, thinking, "I want to get rid of this, but..."

I don't want it, I don't want to throw it out (it is a lovely stuffed toy), I don't have anyone to give it to. It sits on my stairs and I ignore it.

[zauditu.livejournal.com]

I have a beautiful bowl that was gifted to me from my friend Cassie. She had loved this bowl, but it was a gift to her from her ex-husband. She gave it to me so that I could love it and that she could be happy with the fact that someone loved what she loved - even though she couldn't use it or have it in her house without it making her angry.

A gift that had been given to me by my ex-sailor I gave to someone else, too (who didn't know it was a regift and never will), and she loves it. I love that she loves it, and in so doing the thing that made me angry now makes me happy because I know that it made someone else happy. And I can see it in a different context now that she has it.

[zipzilla.livejournal.com]

How do you purge a memory of a thing without purging the thing?

I don't know the answer, but the question has a beautiful ring to it.