(no subject)
Mar. 17th, 2004 10:55 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hippybngstockng"Here at last you see your ancient face, now you know, now you know." -Norah Jones
I talked to two people today I haven't talked to in a long time. One on my friends list and one who shall remain nameless but suffice it to say is on that short list of people I rambled on about a while back.
I can't say much without a good portion of the rest of my friends list figuring out who and what I am talking about, though no matter what I say they probably will anyway. Shit. If you do, just shut up about it, okay, there's no "news", I just got to thinking about it all in the bath... You can comment if you want but let's just not talk about it directly because that's not what I want at all. It's none of the internet's business.
Thing of it is though that I love who I love, most everyone does. I don't know why it's so easy for me to accept some of the people I love and deny some of the people I can deny (and they are very few, but it happens, and usually you know it, no worries) and as I've said, sometimes I don't know why I hold on so hard to some more than others, but I just love people for reasons I can't even understand and I just get tied up in their happiness.
I wrote this story once in college called "Other People's Problems" and it was about how I tried to get a couple of my friends to finally end hemming and hawing about their childhood crush on each other. I meddled- I played match-maker between them, prodding them with endless observations of the wonderfulness of the other, and then I came to the unfortunate realization that I had fallen head over heals for the boy myself. The girl moved away, and I had a boyfriend, it was one big fat soap opera of 90210 proportions. I didn't come to the direct conclusion in the story, but it's clearly a lesson about meddling.
I don't meddle anymore. I am chock full of unsolicited advice, if you lay it out in my face I can't hold my tongue because as I said, I love you and I really need to help. I can barely hold it in sometimes, I just need to reach out and fix everything I see, except for my own life of course.
I take hints well, even fairly subtle ones, and I try to filter myself and keep my mouth shut whenever possible because I've learned and learned and learned how I can drive people away with too much help.
But have you seen that one anti-drug commercial where there's one teenage girl drowning in a lake, and another standing on the dock just watching it happen? Well, imagine that except you are not watching, you're holding out your hand which you've been doing for hours, even days now, so by now you're yelling, "TAKE MY FUCKING HAND YOU FUCK WAD" and the person drowning just keeps yelling back, "BUGGER OFF!" and even sometimes lobs algae at your head.
What do you do? Jump in after them? Clearly not, since they'll just probably drown you too.
Thing is, at that point I no longer know what I have to say to a person like that. I love them and I don't like watching them die, but I am just fresh out of ideas. I still feel like I can't walk away, shit, who would I be if I did that, but my arm went to sleep years ago, so I pulled it back in.
We all know there are really two kinds of suicide, fast and slow. The feelings that lead to both are the same. I know wanting to die, I think in some ways we all do. I know how to die, I know how easy or hard I could make it on myself and anyone around me, but I make the choice that those around me care enough I don't want to let them down. If I am still doing it, it is slow and you will never see it.
But I can't abide by slow and in your face, and I will only stick my hands in your fucking lake so many times to be slapped back. Well... Fine... Be that way. I'll sing at your funeral and I'll see you on the other side. In the mean time, I'm over here with a rope in case you change your mind.
I talked to two people today I haven't talked to in a long time. One on my friends list and one who shall remain nameless but suffice it to say is on that short list of people I rambled on about a while back.
I can't say much without a good portion of the rest of my friends list figuring out who and what I am talking about, though no matter what I say they probably will anyway. Shit. If you do, just shut up about it, okay, there's no "news", I just got to thinking about it all in the bath... You can comment if you want but let's just not talk about it directly because that's not what I want at all. It's none of the internet's business.
Thing of it is though that I love who I love, most everyone does. I don't know why it's so easy for me to accept some of the people I love and deny some of the people I can deny (and they are very few, but it happens, and usually you know it, no worries) and as I've said, sometimes I don't know why I hold on so hard to some more than others, but I just love people for reasons I can't even understand and I just get tied up in their happiness.
I wrote this story once in college called "Other People's Problems" and it was about how I tried to get a couple of my friends to finally end hemming and hawing about their childhood crush on each other. I meddled- I played match-maker between them, prodding them with endless observations of the wonderfulness of the other, and then I came to the unfortunate realization that I had fallen head over heals for the boy myself. The girl moved away, and I had a boyfriend, it was one big fat soap opera of 90210 proportions. I didn't come to the direct conclusion in the story, but it's clearly a lesson about meddling.
I don't meddle anymore. I am chock full of unsolicited advice, if you lay it out in my face I can't hold my tongue because as I said, I love you and I really need to help. I can barely hold it in sometimes, I just need to reach out and fix everything I see, except for my own life of course.
I take hints well, even fairly subtle ones, and I try to filter myself and keep my mouth shut whenever possible because I've learned and learned and learned how I can drive people away with too much help.
But have you seen that one anti-drug commercial where there's one teenage girl drowning in a lake, and another standing on the dock just watching it happen? Well, imagine that except you are not watching, you're holding out your hand which you've been doing for hours, even days now, so by now you're yelling, "TAKE MY FUCKING HAND YOU FUCK WAD" and the person drowning just keeps yelling back, "BUGGER OFF!" and even sometimes lobs algae at your head.
What do you do? Jump in after them? Clearly not, since they'll just probably drown you too.
Thing is, at that point I no longer know what I have to say to a person like that. I love them and I don't like watching them die, but I am just fresh out of ideas. I still feel like I can't walk away, shit, who would I be if I did that, but my arm went to sleep years ago, so I pulled it back in.
We all know there are really two kinds of suicide, fast and slow. The feelings that lead to both are the same. I know wanting to die, I think in some ways we all do. I know how to die, I know how easy or hard I could make it on myself and anyone around me, but I make the choice that those around me care enough I don't want to let them down. If I am still doing it, it is slow and you will never see it.
But I can't abide by slow and in your face, and I will only stick my hands in your fucking lake so many times to be slapped back. Well... Fine... Be that way. I'll sing at your funeral and I'll see you on the other side. In the mean time, I'm over here with a rope in case you change your mind.
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no subject
Date: 2004-03-17 08:28 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-03-17 09:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-03-17 08:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-03-17 08:45 pm (UTC)And the ever popular, "But I LIKE the lake! I'm sure I can figure out how to swim wearing lead pants, you wait and see!"
Snark... ;)
no subject
Date: 2004-03-17 08:44 pm (UTC)And, yeah, you are good people.
no subject
Date: 2004-03-17 09:05 pm (UTC)Thanks though.
no subject
Date: 2004-03-17 09:08 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-03-17 09:16 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-03-18 12:12 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-03-18 12:13 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-03-17 11:14 pm (UTC)OK, no precisely no idea, but still...
no subject
Date: 2004-03-18 06:52 am (UTC)I feel better today even though I found out the person themselves might read this, and I know they know who they are, but so be it.
no subject
Date: 2004-03-18 08:05 am (UTC)