eeesh.

[hippybngstockng]

Shouts to morganminstrel and blueraccoon who got hitched on Sunday! Folks seem to be mumbling that all went swimmingly, which I kinda figured it would since they've been planning it since the dawn of time for quite some time. Congratulations guys! I wish you peace and happiness and long life and prosperity and all that jazz! :)

We had a rather productive weekend, with some bits of loafing about, and even some being social. Watched "Garden State" finally, partly in honor of the New Jersey wedding we could not attend. It was really good, and I need to watch it again before we send it back. Then yesterday we pulled another last minute decision out of our butts and suddenly invited a variety of people over. braz_king, troy_duffy, adrienne_j, her man-thing, their lovely son, curgoth, and corwin77 came and spent the evening grilling and playing Chez Geek. I had warned Crash that it was his turn to play host, and that's a good thing as I was a very rotten not-the-host. I drank a bunch (but I was still in control, 'cuz duh, parent), I couldn't concentrate on Chez Geek, and the kids were splitting themselves up at times between the house and the yard, so I dropped out of the game, and that kinda made me drop out of being social to an extent. Eventually I was completely sucked in by chatting with the lovely tornattheelbo, and barely noticed when the last game ended, and suddenly everyone was leaving. Bad Hippy. This after I told the kiddo he had to detach because he had a friend over, then I go and set a wonderful example. I think everyone had fun though, and I did too, so I guess it's all good. Next time I will hide the keyboard after I set up the music so I won't get tempted.

I haven't gotten to do a myriad of things I want to get to still, one of which is getting to be a pretty serious need to mess with my LJ! I'm feeling terribly lazy though (gee, I wonder why!) and my brain is moving slooooow. I don't think I have the patience and enthusiasm needed to futz with it in the way I really want to futz with it. I want to just do the Bewitched nose wiggle, and have the whole thing be like the pretty picture in my mind, and be done with it. Heh, in fact I feel the same way about K's room. I've managed to pull my head out of my butt about nearly every other thing except K's room. Actually, I should make a poll about it, since it's a common issue- the need to thin out the frigging toys.

There's no denying it though, my head is also quite funky. I haven't shut down, but the feeling is there. I am resistant, I am slow. I feel like I will battle against it this time, but it's getting darker already, and well..... I think we're almost at decision time with Betty. She's been showing a little more enthusiasm this past week or more, but there's still a lot of physical stuff going on that can't be fun. I think she's started having some regular seizure type things. She will get into this phase for about 10 minutes where she seems to be jerking away from something repeatedly and rhythmically. She doesn't fall down, unless she loses her footing, but then even laying on the ground she still jerks her head back as if she's stuck between a sneeze and a hiccup. Eventually it stops, but yeah... Watching it. It also looks to me like her front legs are starting to join her back legs in being really weak and atrophied. She stands with her legs bowed, and she frequently has to eat laying down now. The only thing she still does well is sense STEAK (Steak now being the general term for any seriously tasty meat).

I keep thinking about Roxy, the dog my vet kept in his kennel for over a year after her owner brought her in to be put to sleep. I've mentioned this vet before, the vet who did not do euthanasia- Story is that the client was a friend, so he told him he would do it even though he didn't think it was a good thing AT ALL, but later after he was gone. Then he just simply didn't do it, and didn't tell the guy for months until he sorta noticed Roxy in the back yard one day when he came in with his birds. They had had words about it, but dude eventually saw the point that my vet didn't mind keeping her, and she was happy enough considering the alternative. When I first started working for the vet, Roxy had already been there for about 9 months. She was confined to the basement most of the time because she had no control of her bodily functions so being upstairs with the clients and patients was not an option. Even keeping her in the kennel was a little questionable from a health standpoint. I would spend large amounts of the day simply cleaning up after her. I was pretty sure Roxy was miserable, but I tried to give her as much love and care as I could when I had the time. I felt awful for Roxy because her quality of life was so bad- She lived in a kennel which the vet was constantly yelling at me if I gave her too many blankets because of the excessive laundry this would of course cause, so her very painful bones were laying on a hard floor a lot of the time. Roxy did finally end up getting put to sleep when she started having massive seizures. It happened on a weekend when the vet was out of town, so the other woman working for him had to take her to another clinic, and they said they couldn't stop the seizures and helped her make the decision. I don't think the vet ever forgave them for it, and they battled about it for months, even after we all argued with him that he was being kind of an ass.

It was weird, I was really happy for Roxy that she was finally free of her body, and of being stuck in the basement, but I also did miss her as much of a hassle to clean up after as she was, and I did see why the vet had kept her around like he had, sort of... Roxy was always a sweetie, and on her good days she still loved to come up and try to go out and run around with the other dogs, even though she was so old and rickety she looked like a stick figure drawing of a dog running with the others. So joyful though, running with the pack....

And that's why this is so brutal for me right now. I know Betty is fairly happy, all things considered, because she's always got her comfy soft bed, and she gets to eat all the steak she wants, and she's getting to try to run with her pack, though that run is more of a slow stumble. She seems to want to be here, so I can't bring myself to let her go, even though watching her is getting really hard to take. I also feel sad a lot of the time right now, it's a heaviness of not knowing. I've never wanted to believe in pet psychics as much as I want to right now, as if I had the money to pay one, if I could find one that wasn't a quack. I'd really like Betty to magically find the ability to talk before she dies, just so I don't have to wonder whether I waited too long, or not long enough. I'm going a little psycho with trying to make the call myself.

I've been trying to distract myself from it as much as I can, hence a lot of the psycho cleaning that's been going on. It also helps that I have so many other things to be anxious about besides Betty, but not really in a good way. I'm mostly trying to ignore all that stuff and just focus on tiny things, like whether we can finally sort the crap out of K's room, and whether I really need 2/3 of the crap in our room.

Right now I think I will distract myself with food though, since Crash has been eating hummus at me and now I'm hungry, so I guess I'm done.

Comments

[dartfaerie.livejournal.com]

Garden State is now one of my favorite films, totally touched me ya know? So so so felt that movie. <3 And that scrubs boy is hot.