Updates from the pile

[hippybngstockng]

We're having modem connectivity problems again, so I've been unable to see into my little window of the world. It's brought home how much I've been relying on it to keep me sane. On the up side, K has been doing a lot more toward trying to communicate with us. We've actually had several actual honest to pete conversations instead of just us telling him something and him demonstrating that he understood us by doing something, like when we tell him it's time to go ride in the car and he goes to the door and starts looking for his shoes. I am constantly amazed at the number of words he springs on me. He still has problems with pronunciation, you really have to be listening and know him a little to know what he is saying at any given moment, but the will to speak and more importantly the will to make you aware of the fact that he knows how to speak is emerging more and more. I'm not saying all the problems have magically gone away, they have not, but I think sometimes they are less pronounced, and easier to distract him away from if he isn't tired, so I have a lot of hope now, at least where that's concerned.

For my own part I'm grumpy about myself again, pretty normal for me, but always worse with PMS which I am having in waves.

I had a long phone conversation with my dad recently that has made it clearer to me that I am likely bipolar and that if I don't start dealing with it sooner than later it will likely get the better of me. I am pretty classically responsible and capable of seeing when my mania is taking control, but my dad made it seem like that gets worse with time. He told me a story about a time a couple years ago when he took his then fairly new boat out fishing. Thing was he was so hell bent on the fishing that he failed to check the weather, ignored all warning signs set up for boaters that indicate that now might not be the best time to go out, and just went. Found himself out on the ocean an hour or so later in the middle of a deadly storm wondering to himself why he is such a stupid ass.

I am never that bad, but I have poor impulse control sometimes, and I come close to doing similarly stupid things at similarly inopportune times. So when the modem was broken I was suddenly aware of how much time I have really been spending on-line, and how little time I've been spending doing some other things, and the benefits were suddenly outweighed by the guilt again, but in a kind of "So fucking what if I do" kind of way. Even if I do have poor impulse control, and even if the house is a bloody mess, and even if my kid does need some help learning how to speak that maybe could be helped if I spent a load more time really thinking about it, there is also an extent to which I keep putting myself and my needs to the side and just trudging on along. Do I move any faster with the peace that being selfish occasionally provides, well I doubt it, but at least I'm not as outwardly grumpy as I used to be, or at least I perceive it to be so, you'd have to ask UC5 to be sure.

But I feel like our lives are still going to hell in a hand basket, and I don't give a crap if it means I personally have to do something about it. All I want to do is look at the web and clean. It is manic though because I really want to look at the web, and if I am not asleep or looking at the web, I am trying to clean something. Even when I am supposed to be playing with my son, I am trying to clean at the same time. I know it's probably just because it's almost spring, and I just have the extra not so much energy as passion, but still, it's an unhappy feeling. I feel like if I don't get the house clean I am going to die.

At the same time, I really wish someone would fall from the sky and just do it all for me so I could go out and spend every dollar we have on all new clothes for K and I, and maybe some for UC5 if we have any left over. At least my impulse control is working well enough I still don't go and do things like that.

Anyway, as I said, PMS, incoherent, going to shut up now in case the modem decides this will be it for the day.

Comments

[cmariewt.livejournal.com]

"I feel like if I don't get the house clean I am going to die."

I am bi-polar and I go through that. My poor boyfriend. I remember one night I couldn't sleep and I was frantically scrubbing the tub, crying hysterically, when he walked in rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. Yeah, at three am on a week night about a month after I moved in. He had no idea what he was in for! Now he knows it's best to just back away and leave me be until I calm myself down and come to him. So, if it makes you feel any better I am right there with you!

[hippybngstockng.livejournal.com]

I hear ya.. I used to swing on the depressed side more often than mania, and still pretty much do a lot of the time. The problem is the times between the mania when I can't keep up with what I started when the mania was going. These days I end up more depressed every time it seems- kind of like how yo-yo dieting makes you gain MORE weight :)

And I tried meds once too- I ended up the same way you describe. It was nice to experience ups for a little while and get to see how odd my view of the world truly was, but when push came to shove I gave them up as well figuring that knowledge was 9/10 of the law :) For the most part that holds true, but it makes the process more frustrating. I just worry because the impulse thing can sometimes lead me to think of doing some really strange things sometimes, especially if I'm angry :)

I want to see about regulating the rest of my body before we go for the brain- I could use a long hard look at my diet and exercise continuum that might well improve this back to manageable. I am not going to make myself promises I can't keep, but I plan to at least try to change my bad habits into healthier versions of themselves wherever possible :) I have yet to reach "illness" level I think, but being able to see it is getting creepy. I'm just glad I don't own a boat!

[missangelyss.livejournal.com]

I so could have written so much of this posting... so I guess I'm saying, "I can feel your pain".
Not that it helps a whole lot. ;c)

How old is your K?
I could be wrong but I thought he was around the same age or a tiny bit older than my boy (who is coming up on 2 1/2). He has his own speech issues so I very much relate to that. He didn't even start really talking until after his second birthday. He still babbles probably 60% of the time or when he does use his words, he just says them to say them rather than for any purpose. He has trouble understanding that words actually do serve a purpose. Instead, mommy should just be a mind reader. ;c)

I also relate to the bipolar issues and the compulsion to have things the way you want them. I have several undiagnosed "mental defects", as my grandmother likes to put it, including probable bipolar and anxiety disorders.
The funny bit is, I often get that urge for order so I'll start tidying or cleaning over here, then the ADD kicks in and I'll remember that something else needs to be cleaned, then something else. By the time I'm 'done', I have two dozen half-completed tasks. ;c)

Anyhow... HUGS and hope you feel better. PMS is a bitch! Does chocolate help you at all? My husband calls chocolate his 'get out of jail free' card when it's that time of the month.

[hippybngstockng.livejournal.com]

My K is going to be 3 in May, and he's been described as possibly autistic, possibly ADD, possibly a bunch of different things and is waiting to be evaluated as such. I don't really worry about it though because I also know people who didn't talk until they were 3 or 4 even, and others who had all kinds of bizarre mental and social disabilities when they were young and are fine upstanding adults. I just get frustrated sometimes because I feel like he wouldn't have these problems if not for my genetics, and also it's not fun dealing with him sometimes both because of his problems and mine, and the unfortunate combo the two can create- Withdrawn momma+withdrawn child=badness.

But yah, we're working on it :)

And there could be worse things to obsess over for sure! A friend of mine's nephew is a compulsive room cleaner :) It would please his parents greatly if only he didn't actually FREAK OUT if you put something away for him and put it in the wrong place...

[missangelyss.livejournal.com]

Sounds very much like my boy. Aside from the rampant mental illness in my family, "they" are concerned that he may have been deprived of oxygen in the womb because the amniotic fluid was low which caused his cord to kink at times. He also was premature because of this which has it's own set of hazards. We're figuring ADD is pretty much a given considering the family history. He's not autistic but Asperger's and/or Sensory Integration Disorder are concerns.
I can understand the frustration. And though you didn't describe at as such, I'll say that at times I even feel guilty. Not only did I introduce a child into the world knowing my family's medical history, but what if I had done this or that during the pregnancy.. I might have been able to go full-term and then some of these things wouldn't be issues. I try not to think that way since I know it's rather useless but sometimes it sneaks in.

There I go again... rambling in someone else's journal... ;c)

That does sound like a bad equation but it's great that you're working on it. I imagine it's hard work!

I'm sending good thoughts (of many M&Ms) your way!

[hippybngstockng.livejournal.com]

Oh gawd, I forgot to mention about the chocolate- There was a post I did a couple months back where I confessed to eating bakers chocolate when there's nothing else in the house :)

And I have a really serious M&M's habit (see icon)

But usually I have to go for vitamin B if it gets too bad.