(no subject)

[hippybngstockng]

I keep trying to form posts in my head, but there's too many things to string together, and none of them are related enough to make into one coherent post. Could be because I'm feeling pretty incoherent.

Betty is being confusing. On the one hand she can barely stand, isn't eating, sleeps most of the time, seems to be breathing heavier than before, can't walk far, can't do stairs. On the other hand, she still tries to stand, tries to walk, and still follows us around as if she's still trying real hard to still be our Betty. I told Crash last night that I was feeling like the time was really upon us, but that I felt the conflict about her need to be with us still. He's much more on the conflicted side, even after I reminded him of what happened after this point with Meerkat. I also reminded him that we're dealing with a dog this time, and they send different messages when they're about to die than a cat does. Cats run and hide, I'm not actually sure I know what dogs do...

All I know was that I was unable to give her a pill last night because everything I stuffed in her mouth she spat back out. That means that all she'll be getting are the liquid pain killers, and she's been puking every time after I give her anything. Her will to live aside, with this kind of stuff, she likely won't last more than another week on her own. I don't think I want to watch that week, as my heart is already pretty broken from what-all's been going on this past month. I want to remember Betty as the jumping pushy little thing she used to be, back when she earned the name Big Bad Betty for her need to show strength against bigger dogs. She used to be one tough cookie, and I'd rather think about that, than trying to shove canned food and pills in her which she then pukes up 10 minutes later, and then carrying her outside to watch her fall down just trying to pee. *fights crying*

heh. So I guess the dog is the big reason I'm kinda incoherent. She's not the only thing going on right now, but she sure is in the front of my mind a lot of the time, and pushing a lot of other things aside.

I want to talk about some funny conversations that've occurred in the family that are worthy of quoting, I want to talk about my likely temporary lust for making mesh shopping bags, I want to talk about just about anything else, like what a great time I had with sleepwhenimdead while he was here, but yeah... Just not enough brain cells to rub together. Also, if I do my fuzzy-math well, I think I've been manic-ish for the better part of a week or so, which likely means I'm about to head down in the dumps for a few days. Thanks a lot, bi-polar disorder, that's just what I need. I will try to fight it, but yeah, I always try, and it always wins... Someday I'll have a rant about that too, about my stubborn streak when it comes to my "treatment" and a recent phone conversation with my dad. That was really special.

I also should talk about my mom's visit, since it was actually pretty good for a weird variety of reasons, and I was really proud of myself and even of her. It was practically a milestone except that she still hasn't changed, more that my ability to not react to her might finally be coming back after the stint of having to live with her again. Well, maybe that just said it all and I'll just skip it. Whatever. I'm not feeling like writing. Talking maybe, but not writing. So what's new with you?

Comments

[by-sea-change.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry to hear that Betty is continuing to not do well.

I can tell you a little bit about what I experienced with an old and sick dog. Our Drew had lung issues, and at the end of his life, we installed a makeshift oxygen tent in the house to help him to breathe better. We pretty much did everything we could for him. He had surgeries, medication, oxygen delivery to the house, etc. etc. Charles wanted to make his last months as comfortable as possible, and he was also worried about when he would know when it was time to just let him go. Dr. Tonken assured us that we would know, and when the time came, we did indeed know.

The night he took a turn for the worst, he was crawling under things trying to find a place to die. That was obvious to us. But we still had hope. In the morning, it became clear that he wasn't there anymore. He looked past us. It was as if he couldn't see any longer. He just wasn't here. He wasn't Drew... And that's when Charles took him to Banks.

All this to say that I believe that you WILL know once the time comes. There will be no doubt.

Losing a pet is horrible enough. And watching them suffer and falter makes it even worse. I'll continue to send healing, good thoughts to Betty. It's so obvious to me how much she loves you.

Now I'm crying.

Hugs to all of you.

[anngwish42.livejournal.com]

My deepest sympathies re: Betty...

[troy-duffy.livejournal.com]

My condolences on what you guys are going through. I do not look forward to the day I have to make those hard decisions for my Max (whom Uniquecrash got to meet on Friday). Crash was mentionning how bad Betty was lately and we talked about whether we ever had to deal with these sorts of pet losses as children (fortunately neither Adrienne nor me had - my childhood dog didn't pass on until I was in my early twenties and moved away to a different city). Adrienne also mentionned how different dogs are to cats, how, being pack animals, their instincts are to press on, to literally go until they drop, "for the good of the pack", as opposed to cats just sneaking off to hide when they feel its time.
I hope Betty's last days are as painless and comfortable as they can be and I wish you both much comfort, wisdom and serenity when the time finally does come.

[cmariewt.livejournal.com]

Of course you are incoherent. Your heart is damn near breaking over the loss of a beloved family pet. It's a tough choice you are faced with, and I don't envy your position. But I agree with what you said about wanting to remember her as Big Bad Betty, and not a senile, incontinent pup.

[cmariewt.livejournal.com]

And mmmmmm, food_porn. I love that community.