The evening Betty report...
Aug. 8th, 2005 07:32 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hippybngstockngJust dropping in to add a rather heavy Betty update. She didn't get out of bed, and in all the confusion of my mom leaving, and the amount of chaos and madness around that, we didn't notice. By the time I finally realized I hadn't seen her in quite a while, she'd gone #1 and #2 in her bed. I felt so awful. I made her last pill up and put it in some of the canned food we got her- She was struggling so hard with the kibble because of her teeth, even with my adding broth and soaking it she was only eating about 1/3. She now eats about half of the canned I give her, and usually the other half later on.
But. We're at the end of the Clavamox pills, that was the last one. I called the vet and said that I thought the infections seemed smaller, and she might be improving, but that we're clearly not done. We need a refill. No problem. He also let me know they have a new glucosamine powder for dogs that I could be adding to the food that might really make the pain killer she's taking more effective, which I will also do. The boys are on their way to go pick the stuff up now.
I'm starting to feel like this is it though, especially since when I picked her up (because she still couldn't step up to the deck) I could clearly see her tumor, and that is a change from not being able to see it, even just about 5 days ago. If we can't get ahead of the infections fast enough for her to get some strength back there's pretty much no reason to attempt surgery because she's simply going to die from the anaesthesia. The only thing I could see clear to doing at that point is, ya know, letting go.
It's really not an easy thing for me to do as it might sound. I used to work for this vet, Doug, as I've mentioned before. I didn't really know how many people just casually try to throw pets away for the slightest illnesses until I started answering his phone. He did not perform euthanasia (as well as declawing, and other forms of cosmetic alteration) under any circumstances due to his personal beliefs. I agreed pretty whole heartedly about the cosmetic mutilation aspects of it, but I was iffy on euthanasia in some cases. Personally, if I was ever so sick and really near absolute certain death that I could no longer eat or lift myself up, I'd kinda want someone to put me out of my misery, so I didn't see the big deal in taking someone's pain away just a few days earlier than later. I'd certainly rather go sleepy and stoned out of my mind, than gasping miserably for my very last painful breath. I had let my rat go earlier than later when his tumor returned only weeks after a surgery amd I saw that he was going to lose himself to cancer soon. Doug even had a problem with that, so I know he encouraged me to let Meerkat hang on for much longer than I think was good for either of us. Meer was really ready to go, but Doug insisted he would go when he was ready. In the end I should have stood up for myself, and Meerkat, but instead I waited. On the last full day of his life Doug finally did say he would come do it, but Meer died in the early morning only hours before he was scheduled to arrive. I think now if Meerkat had had his way, he would have died a couple months before in his last major escape attempt, at least it's my opinion, since even when he was moments from death he was trying to run and hide like cats do... I used to see the equivalent of Meer's ghost dash out that door practically every time I opened it after he passed. He wanted to go, but I wouldn't let him, and I guess partly I blame Doug for that. I didn't want Meer out of my life because he was constantly peeing on my carpet, my bed, everything. I wanted to let him go because he was in serious pain. Doug seemed a little blind to that fact, even at the end, but I guess I can see from answering his phones how he would get that way- People can also be pretty evil and stupid, I'm just not people in that particular way. I think I know where to draw the line.
Right now I know Betty still wants to be here, it just really causes her pain, and that's why I'm still trying. I would just love to hope that miraculously after another 10 days of antibiotics and super tasty food with extra stuff and pain killers, that maybe, just maybe she'd be strong enough for a quick surgery that might bring back some of her quality of life, but I also know that there's a lot of that that is just my need to keep her around forever talking, not what's likely to actually happen. When the time comes, I'm going to have to make the choice, and let go. I can't make the end any less painful any other way, and I can see the line of the horizon approaching. I can't look at a sunset and try to call it a sunrise when I know I just looked at the clock. I just have to accept it. I simply don't want to...
But. We're at the end of the Clavamox pills, that was the last one. I called the vet and said that I thought the infections seemed smaller, and she might be improving, but that we're clearly not done. We need a refill. No problem. He also let me know they have a new glucosamine powder for dogs that I could be adding to the food that might really make the pain killer she's taking more effective, which I will also do. The boys are on their way to go pick the stuff up now.
I'm starting to feel like this is it though, especially since when I picked her up (because she still couldn't step up to the deck) I could clearly see her tumor, and that is a change from not being able to see it, even just about 5 days ago. If we can't get ahead of the infections fast enough for her to get some strength back there's pretty much no reason to attempt surgery because she's simply going to die from the anaesthesia. The only thing I could see clear to doing at that point is, ya know, letting go.
It's really not an easy thing for me to do as it might sound. I used to work for this vet, Doug, as I've mentioned before. I didn't really know how many people just casually try to throw pets away for the slightest illnesses until I started answering his phone. He did not perform euthanasia (as well as declawing, and other forms of cosmetic alteration) under any circumstances due to his personal beliefs. I agreed pretty whole heartedly about the cosmetic mutilation aspects of it, but I was iffy on euthanasia in some cases. Personally, if I was ever so sick and really near absolute certain death that I could no longer eat or lift myself up, I'd kinda want someone to put me out of my misery, so I didn't see the big deal in taking someone's pain away just a few days earlier than later. I'd certainly rather go sleepy and stoned out of my mind, than gasping miserably for my very last painful breath. I had let my rat go earlier than later when his tumor returned only weeks after a surgery amd I saw that he was going to lose himself to cancer soon. Doug even had a problem with that, so I know he encouraged me to let Meerkat hang on for much longer than I think was good for either of us. Meer was really ready to go, but Doug insisted he would go when he was ready. In the end I should have stood up for myself, and Meerkat, but instead I waited. On the last full day of his life Doug finally did say he would come do it, but Meer died in the early morning only hours before he was scheduled to arrive. I think now if Meerkat had had his way, he would have died a couple months before in his last major escape attempt, at least it's my opinion, since even when he was moments from death he was trying to run and hide like cats do... I used to see the equivalent of Meer's ghost dash out that door practically every time I opened it after he passed. He wanted to go, but I wouldn't let him, and I guess partly I blame Doug for that. I didn't want Meer out of my life because he was constantly peeing on my carpet, my bed, everything. I wanted to let him go because he was in serious pain. Doug seemed a little blind to that fact, even at the end, but I guess I can see from answering his phones how he would get that way- People can also be pretty evil and stupid, I'm just not people in that particular way. I think I know where to draw the line.
Right now I know Betty still wants to be here, it just really causes her pain, and that's why I'm still trying. I would just love to hope that miraculously after another 10 days of antibiotics and super tasty food with extra stuff and pain killers, that maybe, just maybe she'd be strong enough for a quick surgery that might bring back some of her quality of life, but I also know that there's a lot of that that is just my need to keep her around forever talking, not what's likely to actually happen. When the time comes, I'm going to have to make the choice, and let go. I can't make the end any less painful any other way, and I can see the line of the horizon approaching. I can't look at a sunset and try to call it a sunrise when I know I just looked at the clock. I just have to accept it. I simply don't want to...
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no subject
Date: 2005-08-08 05:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-08-08 05:32 pm (UTC)I am so very sorry. Of all the decisions we have to make, "Is it time yet?" has got to be one of the hardest.
no subject
Date: 2005-08-08 05:37 pm (UTC)I was at my vet's one Saturday, and the vet-tech that day made me wonder why she was even there - she told me that she hated taking the animal's temperature - it was such a violation.
Wow. I mean, wow. What a word for such a small irritation. All of my pets sit, unhappy but quiet, during that one. There's no pain, there's just a bit of discomfort. Violation.
Of all the medical procedures to protest, that one amazed me.
I've not seen her again. Not surprized. She must have freaked the first time they had her hold a pet on it's back so that the vet could draw a urine sample. Now that? That's a painful thing.
Wish I could take your pain, Betty's pain, and make things better.
Thanks for the update.
We'll be thinking of you.
no subject
Date: 2005-08-08 06:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-08-08 07:28 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-08-08 10:45 pm (UTC)I hope you find peace when the times comes and that its quiet and good. For Betty and for you.
no subject
Date: 2005-08-08 10:52 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-08-09 12:53 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-08-09 10:50 am (UTC)