(no subject)

[hippybngstockng]

I can't begin to describe how hard it was to keep myself in some kind of control today. I got to leave the house during the day without my son.

I was of course as confused as any stay at home parent becomes at suddenly gaining the freedom of unimpeded movement. I came to realize in that short time what an abnormal situation it is to stay at home with a child and be the only person who does so.

Think about it- what is the longest period of time you personally have had to be within the same 15 foot space with one particular person. You leave the building, they leave the building. They also always follow you home. You sleep when they sleep and they're always awake when you're awake. This person is always around, always the same person, not a parade of different people but one singular person. They may be in the next room but they are always there. Think about it, it's not normal...

So I'm feeling more reasonable about the jealousy I feel for people who get to go to work. I thought it was a little weird that I missed even the worst jobs I've ever had but I think it's more just I miss a little change of social scenery now and then. I love my son, but I guess the only simple way to describe it is that I am a little sick of him even if I don't perceive it as that. I think it's more I don't let myself perceive it as that because then I'd feel like a heel, but for the most part it's true. I need a vacation, but in my world there is really no such thing.

And a vacation in the true sense would only make me sad anyway. If I did something fun I'd wish I was sharing it with K or with UC5 and then I'd be more lonely than when I started. I need to make more time with friends away from my son, but that time is still hard to come by. I seem to only have time when no one else is around :( And any other time ends up being time when UC5 has to stay with K and a lot of the time I'd like to spend with him.

We need to get a regular baby sitter that has more evening time and devote some time to going out as just us again. And I need to go out without either of them as well more than I do whether or not I miss UC5. I just feel like all this parenting stuff is really starting to cramp my style...

I often wish that K would age a few years in a second. I used to go along with my mom all the time. She was a single mother by default so that was the way it was since she didn't have the cash to pay a sitter every time she wanted to go see a friend. I was a really well behaved kid and I loved adults. I know that time will come with K but it just isn't coming fast enough for my taste and it makes me hesitant to do this again. Then if I have 2 of them they will think it's funny to act like little brats every time I try to do something that's fun for me but less fun for them. I remember seeing kids do that stuff, I could never have gotten away with that crap but there was also only one of me.


So it's awfully cold here and it snowed a whole lot. I had to unearth to car and it took me a good 30 minutes. It all drove home that my wardrobe is seriously lacking for me to be living in Canada. I spent the last 10 years in the Pacific Northwest and my wardrobe reflects that. I am hopeless in the cold. I hate shopping, especially shopping with K, but if I don't do it we will freeze to death the next time we either run out of gas or lose power in the house. We are now liquid enough where I can probably pull it off, but I can't stand the process. As a fat chick I've always had an ordeal when it comes to finding clothes that don't make me look like every other fat chick on the road. I am not ashamed of my shape since if I get the right clothes I can actually look pretty hot, but it takes a lot of time and effort to get that stuff, and those are the two things I have the least of right now. bubblesutonium is always joking that I need an Italian confidential secretary (named Allota Fhagina of course!) but it's so true. I need a woman with a seriously large amount of sense that I can just hand my wallet and say "go forth and shop and make me look beautiful, and then please come home and organize all of my personal papers and pay all my bills" but the woman who would take that job would likely need to eat, and I fear there wouldn't be anything left to pay her unless sexual favors were all she was looking for :)

But alas, there is no such woman, so I will likely be spending a lot of that precious time replacing roughly half the things I already own but won't be able to usefully wear anymore. You can only wear so many layers before you get the Michelin Man effect, and I deserve better than that ;)

Regardless of the need to shop, I fear Thursday may become my favorite day of the week.

Comments

Yet another glimpse of my future...

[pinky-ki.livejournal.com]

:) *hug* I hear what you're saying, and am logging it against future self-recrimination. You confirm all my worries about what being a stay at home mom will mean. I thank my lucky stars Spoo has made it his mission that right from the start I get occasional "me" time. We're not doing a formal arrangement like our friend Marshall had with his wife (a monthly "Mommy's night out" alternating with "Daddy's night out"). But it sounds as though you could really benefit from some kind of similar thing! I hope you can work that out.