promises promises!
Oct. 7th, 2004 01:54 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hippybngstockngI promise I will finish the "what I pretend to think of you" meme. It's great fun! At the moment it's giving me trouble though, and I realized that it's just because I am trying to squeeze it out RIGHT NOW, and I actually have scheduled events today so I am also staring at the clock. The two things aren't working well together so I am giving up for the moment. You should not take my posting as a sign I will NOT be doing the meme, I just can't make shit up at the moment.
I am having a pretty good day so far, but because I am functioning and not thinking much. Thinking is bad for me lately- it leads to processing and anger, and I have too much that just needs DOING so I am sort of shutting down a little I guess. It's one of those good thing/bad things that means I am getting a lot done, but will probably pay for it later.
Speaking of paying for it later- I had a DUH realization: When we were unemployed and living with my mom, I was incapable of asking people for help, especially with K. I didn't feel entitled to it for some weird-ass reason, so I simply didn't ask. I built up this over-abundance of NEED that is now overwhelming me because now it feels selfish because now I can ask, and I feel like I am asking all at once, WANT it all at once, and am deeply unhappy when I don't get instant satisfaction. This is one of the reason I think I am having a hard time with the whole Flylady process- I WANT IT ALL NOW, I am not a baby, I don't WANT to take baby steps. I want the magical elves to show up with their truck and totally open a can of whoop-ass on my existence and FIX IT right now. Since that doesn't happen, I get all put out.
Then I get to the processing- Why do I get so flustered... I think back and it comes to living with my mom. My mom and her nearly OCD level need to have everything her way. I think I became a disorganized slob as a pure rebellion. Procrastination was just a good technique to achieve this.
Now, away from her, I suddenly want an end to the chaos- but chaos is my very nature, so ending it is not easy. It doesn't just feel like I need to change, it almost feels like I am selling out, becoming one of them.... There's a NEED to do it though- K needs this in order to fully realize his potential, and if we don't help him with that, then we're selling him short. It's just really a pain in the ass though, I didn't think that having a child would mean I would have to grow up THAT much. I mean I expected to have to cut down on some things, but I really didn't think my clutter would be a serious hindrance on a medical level, and that's simply what it is.
I will ramble a moment about how I used to decorate as an example: I used to work as a photo-processor. A one-hour photo printer to be precise... That job generates a lot of trash photos- originally printed too light, dark, or purple... I would go through the trash and take out things that looked cool- sometimes really random photos of machinery, usually landscapes or architectural shots. Occasionally if someone had a photo I thought was really cool, I would make a copy for myself- don't think it doesn't happen everywhere you ever took your film, it does. Know that I NEVER copied a naked or compromising photo, or even photos of people unless they happened to be something really cool and harmless.* Then I would take all these photos and decorate my room with them, hundreds of them, everywhere... I would change it often, and I had a big box from which to pull from, and still do. It was hard for some people to be in my room- they would actually complain of being over-stimulated and wonder out loud how I ever got anything done. Images help me think- I can get a lot written if I have a number of things to stare at. This is NOT true of some other people. K seems to be one of those people for which this is NOT a good thing, so that means that I really need to put that aspect of myself aside while he's living here at the very least. The fact that I have to start doing this NOW is the hard part, because for me, now means NOW, not start and work on it, start, finish NOW NOW NOW...
Patience is just not my virtue...
Anyway, just thinking out loud again. I have to get rolling because I am taking Betty to the vet, and we are walking there (via the subway and bus of course)- so this means about 80 stops to pee on the way on Betty's part.
*I have never sold, copied, or passed on a photo I did not take myself, and never would, it's against the law! Also, it would be a really easy way for the person who took the photo to figure out who took it from them- DUH. If I were going to commit a crime, I'd hope to be a little brighter than that.
I am having a pretty good day so far, but because I am functioning and not thinking much. Thinking is bad for me lately- it leads to processing and anger, and I have too much that just needs DOING so I am sort of shutting down a little I guess. It's one of those good thing/bad things that means I am getting a lot done, but will probably pay for it later.
Speaking of paying for it later- I had a DUH realization: When we were unemployed and living with my mom, I was incapable of asking people for help, especially with K. I didn't feel entitled to it for some weird-ass reason, so I simply didn't ask. I built up this over-abundance of NEED that is now overwhelming me because now it feels selfish because now I can ask, and I feel like I am asking all at once, WANT it all at once, and am deeply unhappy when I don't get instant satisfaction. This is one of the reason I think I am having a hard time with the whole Flylady process- I WANT IT ALL NOW, I am not a baby, I don't WANT to take baby steps. I want the magical elves to show up with their truck and totally open a can of whoop-ass on my existence and FIX IT right now. Since that doesn't happen, I get all put out.
Then I get to the processing- Why do I get so flustered... I think back and it comes to living with my mom. My mom and her nearly OCD level need to have everything her way. I think I became a disorganized slob as a pure rebellion. Procrastination was just a good technique to achieve this.
Now, away from her, I suddenly want an end to the chaos- but chaos is my very nature, so ending it is not easy. It doesn't just feel like I need to change, it almost feels like I am selling out, becoming one of them.... There's a NEED to do it though- K needs this in order to fully realize his potential, and if we don't help him with that, then we're selling him short. It's just really a pain in the ass though, I didn't think that having a child would mean I would have to grow up THAT much. I mean I expected to have to cut down on some things, but I really didn't think my clutter would be a serious hindrance on a medical level, and that's simply what it is.
I will ramble a moment about how I used to decorate as an example: I used to work as a photo-processor. A one-hour photo printer to be precise... That job generates a lot of trash photos- originally printed too light, dark, or purple... I would go through the trash and take out things that looked cool- sometimes really random photos of machinery, usually landscapes or architectural shots. Occasionally if someone had a photo I thought was really cool, I would make a copy for myself- don't think it doesn't happen everywhere you ever took your film, it does. Know that I NEVER copied a naked or compromising photo, or even photos of people unless they happened to be something really cool and harmless.* Then I would take all these photos and decorate my room with them, hundreds of them, everywhere... I would change it often, and I had a big box from which to pull from, and still do. It was hard for some people to be in my room- they would actually complain of being over-stimulated and wonder out loud how I ever got anything done. Images help me think- I can get a lot written if I have a number of things to stare at. This is NOT true of some other people. K seems to be one of those people for which this is NOT a good thing, so that means that I really need to put that aspect of myself aside while he's living here at the very least. The fact that I have to start doing this NOW is the hard part, because for me, now means NOW, not start and work on it, start, finish NOW NOW NOW...
Patience is just not my virtue...
Anyway, just thinking out loud again. I have to get rolling because I am taking Betty to the vet, and we are walking there (via the subway and bus of course)- so this means about 80 stops to pee on the way on Betty's part.
*I have never sold, copied, or passed on a photo I did not take myself, and never would, it's against the law! Also, it would be a really easy way for the person who took the photo to figure out who took it from them- DUH. If I were going to commit a crime, I'd hope to be a little brighter than that.
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no subject
Date: 2004-10-07 02:44 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-08 05:26 am (UTC)hadhave the totally anally retentive mother. And my mother in law is WORSE (But not as bad as D's aunt). So D was brought up with a mother who did everything for him so has this expectation that everything is done for him now (he's been stepping over his folded washing for two days now). He was at me and at me and at me and at me to declutter (remove my stuff and display his crap). I am so so much better now - I have my < ahem > routines that I more or less stick to - and my housework list is a true masterpiece. You want a copy of my routines and stuff - email me at jodips @ ncable.net.au