Good and Bad

[hippybngstockng]

uniquecrash5 just called to tell me he dropped K off at day care without so much as a whimper.  He's decided he likes it!  This pleases me.  I am feeling less guilty about kind of wanting to skip as much of this stage of development as I can manage, it really messes with me.

Like last night. My agoraphobia was already in high gear anyway. I managed to extract myself from the house and get over to the store to do some shopping and I picked up UC5 and K and we were going to go out and have dinner before going home. We decided to go to the Lick's in the Beaches, and I really wish we hadn't. First off, we had the car. Parking in the Beaches is a nightmare like it is most places in the city, except it's worse. For you Seattleites, I can compare it to the back neighborhoods of Capitol Hill, when you can't find parking near Broadway and decide to go adventuring and end up in Lake Washington? Like that, except with a little less getting lost, but more one way streets. I am PMS-ish as well, so the attempts to find parking already had me upset. We finally got a spot and walked to the Lick's. I really like the Beaches, so I was trying to enjoy being there as much as possible even though I was past the ability to. We got to the Lick's and began waiting in line, when K decided to start doing his running away thing... You know, the thing that all 3 year olds do to piss off their parents in public places. Thing is during the hot summer, so the front of the restaurant has mostly been opened to the sidewalk. I trust K on the sidewalk so I stood in the doorway. First thing he decided to do was take advantage of that trust and run into the street. After I got my heart started again, I shouted OH GOD loud enough that all of Toronto probably heard it, or at least snowpea1980  who I know lives down there, and then I ran into the street after him, catching him by digging my nails into his neck and shirt, as he was STILL trying to run into traffic. When we got him back to the sidewalk, we hugged him and told him we loved him and then launched into your standard "Never" speech. We started walking back to the car, all of us pretty much still crying. I felt like everyone was staring and like I was making too big a deal about it. Crash has to remind me that there's this punishment thing, and that it was justified even if it was more that I just couldn't take being out anymore after that. I don't want to warp him with a humiliating toddler leash this late in the game, especially when he's known freedom and been relatively good about it for a while. Lately though it's unbearable. On top of not wanting to go out myself, I feel like I can't take him anywhere because sooner or later I AM going to lose him, be it in another dark parking garage, a busy street, or better yet, a really crowded mall filled with child nappers. I'm too fat, I can't run that fast. The other thing I feel awful about is that I am trying really hard to make K feel as "normal" as possible. I think he already realizes that kids his age have some more stuff going for them than he does, and I don't like reinforcing that as the norm- like if he always thinks of himself as "handicapped" or something that he won't try as hard. I don't want to ever be in a situation where some other 3 year old asks me why he still has to wear his leash and I have to say the words out loud, "Because he's a little different, and sometimes he doesn't listen as well as other kids" because I think that's really all it is. He didn't even HEAR me when I was screaming at him to get out of the street last night. All he heard was his own laughter, and that's just how it is sometimes... If he was aware of me, it was to make sure I was getting as pissed as he was hoping for... A normal behavior, but with an added dangerous spin. Lovely.

So I'm damned if I do it, damned if I don't. I really wish I had thought a little harder about all this and decided to adopt a trio of large unruly poodles instead. I feel like my bond with K has slipped away to a certain extent. He's still really happy to see me, and there are some nights when it has to be Mommy or we can't get to sleep, but more and more I am not the popular one. I think I know why this is, and it's complex, and I don't like it but also don't see what I can do about it.  I hope there is though.


I also remembered a couple key things about myself: for 10 months after a big move (like more than 5 hours from the last place I was living) I go through an intense foggy funky depression from which I barely escape.  It happened when I moved to Washington, it happened when we moved to Ohio, and it happened even here in Toronto.  Next winter shouldn't be as bad so I should wait until during it to decide whether I should go on meds or just try some new seasonal defense stuff.

Second, I remembered that I used to specifically not take baby sitting jobs that involved toddlers, so I shouldn't be shocked I hate him sometimes right now.  I used to turn down more jobs than I was offered because of little shits just like him...  I like the ones that are old enough to play video games with and talk to- like 5 and 6 year olds and up... And I like babies except when I am trying to sleep.  I just universally kind of dislike toddlers all the time, or I like them from a distance so this has been a little challenging for me.  Slowly I am getting used to it, and learning to like it, but I should stop being so surprised when I find myself hating it. I can only bond with them on certain levels, and I get really tired of the repeated beatings that come along with any physical activities.  I like interactive play that is mentally challenging, and K still hasn't discovered that yet, and nothing I can do seems to make him want to.  He's still a parallel player with me at least.  This makes getting him past this stage of development also very hard for me- some of that might get alleviated with the parenting classes we should be getting soon (assuming we get them going before he's grown out of this phase with wait lists being what they are here in Canada) but I will abuse day care for some of it as well- and I have faith in K.  He really is a smart boy.

Speaking of being a smart boy, before they met up with me, Crash and K stopped into a women's clothing store to pick up some free  panties for me that the sales girl and Crash had both spaced were buy 2 get one free.  As Crash was pulling the panties off the wall, K pointed to some bras above them (as he was riding on Crash's shoulders at the time) and said, "BOOBIES!"

Like father like son :)

Comments

[fille-morte.livejournal.com]

HOw funny. Don't you just love kids. My story consisted of my daughter, the grocery store and a box of tampons. :D

[by-sea-change.livejournal.com]

So that was YOU?! No, really, I didn't hear you. But my goodness, how scary... Tommy has started doing this, too. He does not listen and I am terrified that one day he will run out into the street and that will be the end.

I was reading somewhere about how this stage is worse than teenage-hood. I think I could handle a teenager. But I'm not very good with this toddler/free-spirit level.

What you said here: "and I get really tired of the repeated beatings that come along with any physical activities. I like interactive play that is mentally challenging, and K still hasn't discovered that yet, and nothing I can do seems to make him want to."

I FEEL this. I have struggling right now because of this. I am tired of physical play that mostly involves me getting beat up, bruised, and hurt all the time. And it must be MUCH worse for you because K is quite a bit bigger than Tommy.

I was wondering, do you think he would be interested in a Kindermusik class? There's a class down the street from me that will be starting in late September. It will be a very small class, probably me and Tommy and one other mother and child, but I wonder if it would be good for K, developmentally. It's a little expensive ($180 for 15 weeks, 45 minutes each class) but I found it very helpful for lots of reasons (forced me out of the house, Tommy liked it, other kids to play with, adult conversation for me). Let me know and I'll send you the info.

[hippybngstockng.livejournal.com]

Hehe, I was sure the whole of the Beaches DID hear me, so I'm glad to hear that's not the case! :) I almost felt like I should never go there again. I might just wait until my hair grows out a little. LOL

I think I might be interested? It's one of those things that depends on how things are going to be then- there's a lot of day care stuff we're working on, and all that crap. Please do send the info if you have it handy so I can keep it in mind! K loves music these days, and has been showing a lot more interest in singing and music games, so it's worth considering!