agoraphobic much?
Aug. 26th, 2004 01:42 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hippybngstockngThe problem with being a sane-ish, rational, logical, relatively intelligent adult is that when faced with ones own irrational phobias, one is utterly flummoxed about why one can't simply embrace the obvious lunacy of the situation and face it, thus getting over it.
Somehow this knowledge has little effect on my legs which refuse to walk, my arms which refuse to detach from the keyboard, and my eyes, which stubbornly will do any stupid ass thing the brain selfishly asks of them in the name of unity. The brain would happily look at the computer until the end of time if it meant that other humans would leave it alone (and there's irony there, I know).
Would it were that I were courageous enough to pluck out my eyes, or send my husband to work with the power strip having faith I wouldn't just go digging through the basement or garage for another one. I am powerless and weak and no 12 step higher power whatever the fuck is going to change that, because it's not the addiction that's a problem in my case, the addiction is merely a symptom. The problem is people. I'm scared of 'em. I think online talking is good in that I am talking (this is progress, trust me) to other humans besides my husband, mother and son, but I am not leaving the house much more than before, and sometimes I'd have to say less. Lots of rationalization and distraction, but the end is always that I am scared of the people "out there"... The people "in here" feel much safer, even though that's also not always the case.
I've always had the tendency, but I know there was a time I wasn't this bad, I know this is something that's only been a serious problem for me for, oh, say about 8 years now, but I think I'm about done... I'd really like to just. be. done... I'd like to get up, get dressed, walk out the door and go about my life and not have the choking fear of actually walking out the door... I've talked myself through what I think is going to happen, and all that rot, and still. Ass. Chair. It was almost better when I had my mom to escape from *shudder* at least I had high motivation to leave the house on a regular basis.
Okay. I am going to pretend my mother is in the other room asleep and about to wake up any moment from a nap, and go get dressed. We'll see if that works. :P
Somehow this knowledge has little effect on my legs which refuse to walk, my arms which refuse to detach from the keyboard, and my eyes, which stubbornly will do any stupid ass thing the brain selfishly asks of them in the name of unity. The brain would happily look at the computer until the end of time if it meant that other humans would leave it alone (and there's irony there, I know).
Would it were that I were courageous enough to pluck out my eyes, or send my husband to work with the power strip having faith I wouldn't just go digging through the basement or garage for another one. I am powerless and weak and no 12 step higher power whatever the fuck is going to change that, because it's not the addiction that's a problem in my case, the addiction is merely a symptom. The problem is people. I'm scared of 'em. I think online talking is good in that I am talking (this is progress, trust me) to other humans besides my husband, mother and son, but I am not leaving the house much more than before, and sometimes I'd have to say less. Lots of rationalization and distraction, but the end is always that I am scared of the people "out there"... The people "in here" feel much safer, even though that's also not always the case.
I've always had the tendency, but I know there was a time I wasn't this bad, I know this is something that's only been a serious problem for me for, oh, say about 8 years now, but I think I'm about done... I'd really like to just. be. done... I'd like to get up, get dressed, walk out the door and go about my life and not have the choking fear of actually walking out the door... I've talked myself through what I think is going to happen, and all that rot, and still. Ass. Chair. It was almost better when I had my mom to escape from *shudder* at least I had high motivation to leave the house on a regular basis.
Okay. I am going to pretend my mother is in the other room asleep and about to wake up any moment from a nap, and go get dressed. We'll see if that works. :P
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no subject
Date: 2004-08-26 10:50 am (UTC)I'm in much the same space - curgoth and I were talking about this last night, actually.
If you want, we can chat about it on Saturday.
no subject
Date: 2004-08-26 10:55 am (UTC)There is hope for us, I am sure.
no subject
Date: 2004-08-26 10:59 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-08-26 10:59 am (UTC)::hugs::
Deep breath hun. One thing at a time.
no subject
Date: 2004-08-26 11:19 am (UTC)Word. Dear god. Fear of the dark, here, and it sometimes annoys the hell out of me. "I know there's nothing and no one in this room! Argh!"
no subject
Date: 2004-08-26 11:31 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-08-26 11:36 am (UTC)I know how this feels, really. I don't like meeting new people out there, without knowing them here first. I like to have an idea of who I'm dealing with, and the opportunity to rewrite my thoughts if they don't come out right the first time. First impressions are telling, and I am very bad at making a good one. I like the safety of my home, I like the comfort and bland routine... but I miss the excitement of other people too.
no subject
Date: 2004-08-28 05:35 pm (UTC)